It's been quite a while since I've written anything in this series. Most people will just click away from these "heavy" topics, but sometimes there is insight from the insane. For once, this entry in the series doesn't necessarily just address serious, romantic relationships, but general friendships as well. Some people I know might consider this a shot across the bow, and if so, then let it be, but I try to keep things as impersonal as possible in these venues. Emphasis added to the word "try". I stick to my beliefs, try to be a good person (more emphasis) and if people I know can't handle that, then so be it. There isn't much I can do, but as usual, people I thought were caring, giving friends tend to drop like flies in the Sahara.
To be the good little school boy and pose the thesis right away, I'll wager that so many, if not all, of our relationships cater to our own human sense of selfishness. Now that's a nihilistic, pessimistic way of looking at things, but really - every relationship gives us something, and we want more and more of it - be it that rush of hormones during a mushy moment, a few extra laughs from a friend, a favor, or whatever.
Think of it - say you get a voice mail from a couple friends saying they'll be out, and want you to come along. What are the thought processes? You might relax, you might catch up on gossip, you might get a few drinks, etc. All for you. Only rarely do we truly do things because we are worried about one's well being, just for their sake. I know that's horrible to say, but really - most often, hanging out with friends is a self-serving activity - not that I can offer a truly altruistic alternative reason for seeing friends, or spending hours on the phone.
In a similar pessimistic train of thought, one could say that a heavy romance is merely to either "get some", "make out", show off the latest arm jewelry/trophy mate, or get that endorphin rush from being in love. Again - inherently selfish - technically speaking, it is. One might think that by this logic, or lack thereof, there is nothing good in a close relationship. Not true. Giving of one's self, for any occasion, purely out of concern, "love", and desire for that person to be happy - that's the trick. I'm not saying that anyone that meets their new #1 should empty their proverbial pockets and give all worldly possessions to the new beloved, but always be mindful of giving versus taking. Friendship's benefits should not be one's anathema.
I won't live above my own tenets in any of my current views. Sometimes I don't call someone for months, then when it might be a riot to hang out, I call. Probably selfish of me, but then again, I've tried to be mindful of that, and have exposed my belly enough times to call and check in with an old friend for no other reason than to see how they are. Usually such maneuvers are greeted with the "are you nuts" response, and the whole thing decomposes from there. I don't get those calls too often, it's a damn shame. Maybe we should all make more of an effort to give a shit about the people we claim are friends and just call to see how they are. Some do, some don't, some will, some won't. As I used to say, when people stop calling, they either think your dead, useless, or both. Don't be either one! Count those true friends on one hand and hope that all five fingers are extended at the end of the census.
Death Letter
15 years ago
