Query for the UnStraight Guy

September 9, 2004

Women can never be classified with a particular aphorism, such as the faded sugar/spice/everything nice billboard that was painted on the side of tradition's brick facade back in the 19th century. A wondrous lot, the vast majority have a gentle, incisive, but caring quality that helps quell our sociological pangs of dissonance and conflict. I therefore tip my mysteriously stained cap to the fairer sex, and how they bring such intangible elements of humanity and softness to the harsh confines of maledom. Wow, I just read this after about an hour had passed. That's just a crippling, pathetic, disgusting pile of steaming poop if I ever saw it. Not that it's untrue, just...man...steaming.

Ok, back to the program. First of all, the lesbians need to turn it down just a little bit. Your machismo, as a faction, is getting so embarrassingly brackish, it's making members of all orientations and genders roll their eyes and chortle. This whole "ay mee-ann I knows what I'm doin" bit might be cute for overemphasizing your fiendish rebellion against androgens, but in a normal periwinkle-collared culture, it's self parody. I'm not saying that all of the Red Lobster Mobsters can be accused of this level of thespian antics, but the fraction that play the macho-man game are bound to clear a room.
While on the subject of perceptions, effrontery, overtures and the like, let's not forget the confused and uncomfortably over liberated ego that often accompanies the attractive lesbians. Though not a daily routine, I will encounter a cute one, and being one who carries myself with dignity and respect when talking with a relative stranger, I don't invite or invoke any mental sparring. Invariably, however, she'll carry on with a preemptively hostile attitude toward me as she adjusts her "Men are Pigs" bra strap. Miss Anita Van Dyke is so elated and inflated from her liberation from evil men (since they're ALL the same) that any interaction is doomed to be slanted and under a cloud of prejudice. It's irritating at best to be judged that I'm entertaining lurid thoughts about her, and it's equally that I have to take on the recriminatory rhetoric against males, while all I'm trying to do is be social. Fine, congratulations, you have an alternative lifestyle. I drink warm soda, so I must be living one too. Lookout for me and my warm soda parade!

We're Carbonated! Frustrated! Castigated!
Keep YOUR ice cubes out of MY soda.
Refrigerate Yourself!

Conversely, it's hard to defend why I might feel uncomfortable at a gay bar, or knowing I'm being looked at in "that" way. Gay men advertise their "alternativeness" in varying degrees and to disparate depths. On a personality level, I completely don't get along with the incredibly flamey ones; cross those off the list right away. I'm sure they'll be quite upset about their excommunication from the Church of Mikey; I'm such a carnival. Regardless, that's merely a personality clash, rather than bias or acrimonious aversion. Yes, believe it or not, I've known a few, and it always was exhausting trying to keep pace with the bouncy pink Slinky flittering about and acting like every day is New Year's Eve. Worse yet, while I appreciate razor sharp wit or precise criticism, it is equally tiring keeping one's guard up, wondering when the insult artillery will begin prancing toward my personal walls of Jericho. Waitaminute, as I recall, they took down the walls of Jericho by blowing horns. Bad analogy. Ok, I can't use "analogy", the first part of that word...hmmm...ok I better sneak out the back door on this one. Wait, back door! There I go again.

I'm amused how the labeling of Bravo as the "Gay Channel" has finally taken shape. I'd been muttering about that trend for a long time. Check out one of its evening's lineups and see for yourself. If it isn't an overtly gay show, it is very entertaining material for those who like decorating with pastels and making French stuff.

The point of all this, with the illustration of the overly hostile lesbians, or the painfully queeny gay guys, is that it's a bit of a left turn from the normal way everyone else acts in mixed social situations. If I were to prance into a butcher shop wearing a pink fluffy hat, singing "Hello Frisco!" like Nathan Lane, the odds are reasonably good that others will take notice and spin with bemusement. Amazingly, wearing bright, festive colors, carrying on like a one "man" show, our little festive performer takes exception to being treated "differently"? You are different, you attention starved butterscotch buffoon.
Do you think it's normal to stand in line at a muffler shop, wearing a pink and yellow pirate outfit? Oh gee, and don't forget to try that pathetic "you can put me on the rack anytime, mister mechanic" thing. That always kills with the grease monkeys.
We're all entitled to equal treatment under the law, (ho ho ha ha) and nobody wants harassment or harm to fall upon any class or segment of the population just for their cultural or sociological makeup (get it? makeup? anyway). But expect to be treated differently if looking, acting, or living differently. Taking notice of an unusual person is one of the oldest instincts in the human condition, as it is sourced in keeping watch for outcasts and potential threats from foreign tribes. Pack animals will notice any discontinuity in the group, instinctively, as an indication of impending harm or potential threats from the outskirts. Obviously, we can fast forward all the way up to the modern era, where culturally cohesive neighborhoods and areas provide a basic element of belonging and security within the "pack" of, say, ethnically similar people. Most humans prefer to live amongst those who resemble themselves. Why, then, must "diversity" be thrust upon us? Can't it be an option? Sounds like the theme for an upcoming article...