Spam Review - Part 1

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Television Is Still Stupid!

I'd been waiting for enough stupid commercials and irritating aspects of television to pile up. Certainly it doesn't take a long time.


Volume
I thought this tactic went out of style with the pet rock, but apparently not. Certain commercials invariably bellow through the television's speakers with ear-splitting volume, easily twice the amplitude of any other "programming" on the prostitution channel from which the loud advertiser is buying time. Obviously, companies are paying extra for their spots to be broadcast with additional volume, because of course we'll all instantly purchase the brilliant product because of loudness.

Volume, Part II
Don't fall asleep with either ESPN or Nick-At-Nite tuned in. You'll be rudely awakened by screams, howls, squeals, and the like. Nothing quite matches up to the joy of being jolted out of bed by the yelps of "whoop!" from ESPN's overweight, steak-eating Chris Berman. The big fat idiot should retire while the going's good, and save his hollering for the oxygen he'll need when he's in an ambulance. On the same note, sometimes I watch Nick-At-Nite, which shows old reruns, but shows idiotic cartoons in the morning. Don't fall asleep to this one either, lest you wake up to "woop! gleep! zinkle zoop zoop!" and other completely idiotic, obnoxiously loud sound effects that create nothing but eerily assimilated dreams and worse moments of subsequent consciousness.

Grammar
For the last damn time, those idiots that peddle their "brain training" or "vision training" programs for the portable Nintendo system: You can't do something IN 10 minutes a day. It's a grammatical impossibility. With 10 minutes, perhaps. People don't know how to write a simple commercial copy.

Service!? Egads!
There's an adorable ditty, its concept clearly ripped off from previous Red Lobster spots, where a few guys play instruments and sing their song. The song's content involves the fact that if this guy had freecreditreport.com to check for identity theft, he wouldn't be so "pathetic" as to be working as a server in a seafood restaurant. How dare they? What right to they to insult the thousands of hard working waiters, waitresses, and the like, as if the penalty for a stolen identity is - oh no - working in a restaurant! It's a sweeping insult to many hard working people in the service industry. I wrote them the following:

Hi
I usually don't write "crazy old man" letters to complain about things,
but I write a fairly popular blog about general observations on things. As such, I had to write about my problem with whoever decided upon the most recent advertising campaign, in which a waiter at a restaurant is bemoaning his misfortune of identity theft, and the penalty of which was to be "forced" to work at a restaurant. Being a server at a restaurant, or working in the service industry in general, should not be deemed as a "penalty" and is a rather crude insult to the thousands of hard working people out there that work tirelessly for their tips and meager salary. If your organization would rather not disenfranchise all that serve us food and drink, endure plenty of irritable customers, and go home with sore legs, it might be best to retract that commercial.

The Announcer
There's a new guy that always back-announces phone numbers and the like for myriad commercials. His voice is like a knife through the head. He's often heard in product ads on ESPN and similar cable channels. Is there really such a monopoly on this area of work? It's the equivalent of that movie announcer guy "In a world..."


The Holiday Sales
Some stores, the day after Thanksgiving, opened at 4am. 4am? Come on, this is a bit extreme. Now we're faced with a savory combination of 300 pound women with screaming babies in their carts, a bevy of surly, poorly rested cashiers that would rather be in an iron maiden than at Kohl's at 4am, and a sprinkling of plastered wanderers that merely have intentions to purchase whiskey, drugs, and prostitutes. Sorry, Gummo, the pharmacy doesn't open until 6; don't lose your forged valium prescription. But there's a mechanical singing Santa in aisle 4 if you want! He doesn't put out.

Contradiction
I love various cable channels and their predilection toward running ads for NutriSystem, various cholesterol conscious products, or weight loss items, only to contiguously run a spot for the quadruple meaty, fatty, sloppy, icky, new pizza for only 10.99. Be healthy. Watch that enlarged prostate. Here's a pizza offer with 21 pounds of pepperoni! Dig in!

That Word
Almost purely out of defiance, more companies have since adopted the word "melty" into their advertising vernacular. It is NOT a word. Just about every fast food chain has now used that infamous word in an advertisement which highlights their latest deathly unhealthy product. For God's sake, I had enough problems with the use of the word "chocolatey" but this is going too far. It almost seems like a Madison avenue incursion upon my predefined senses of proper speech and language usage.

Swallow That?
I love the federally mandated litany of potential side effects that have to follow the pitch for a new anti-depressant/prostate drug. You may lose your hair, your kids, your hands, and your life. Oh thanks, sign me up. Maybe we'll just stick with self loathing, excessive slumber and bathroom trips.

No It's Not Monday
ESPN runs these tiresome spots for their upcoming Monday Night Football game of the week, or as their genius match-ups have proven, game of the weak. Their ads are capitulated with the catch phrase "Is It Monday Yet?" Who the hell wants to be alive on a Monday? Just for a crappy, uninteresting game between two untalented NFL teams? Nobody is looking forward to Monday, ok? It's one game, a boring game, on the worst day of the week. Any idiot that actually looks forward to a Monday night should be strangled by his/her own shoelaces. Is it your suicide yet? Monday Night Football has all the appeal of an 8am appearance in traffic court with a menopausal judge yelling at you for your intention to contest a questionable moving violation.

Of Course There's The Food Network
Would I let you fine readers down by skipping past the Food Network? They're still working steadily with these "American Idol" type shows like "The Next Iron Chef" and "The Next Food Network Star". All reality based, with tense moments of elimination and competitive ire. Ooooh the startling drama that developed when contestant #4 was told that her pancakes weren't very fluffy. Ouch! The tears. Again, this stupid channel tries to equate cooking to brutal "survival" ethos. Wow, cue the dramatic violin music when the judges inform the contestant that his soup was too salty. Yow! Razor to the wrist! This commercial-hungry, irritating channel has become so self-important, self-ingratiating, and redundant, it's hardly worth further criticism. Hopefully the money slut executives that claim to "run" things might change direction some day, but I doubt it. There are plenty of fish wives out there that still will subscribe to that pablum.

Sears
Of course, Sears is still trying to hang on for dear life by, at this point, spouting this "Grant a Wish" campaign for the holidays. One spot involves their boasting of a Craftsman toolbox that has an MP3 player embedded as well. What the hell is this? Are we marketing to Snoop Dog the blacksmith? Demographics, kids, demographics.

Man vs. Wild
Finally, I am amused at the resurgence of the show "Man vs. Wild", featuring a British idiot named "Bear". It had been previously discovered that, instead of surviving out in the wilderness on his own for a period of time, he was occasionally whisked off to a cozy motel with the crew when things became too itchy, so to speak. Now the show emblazons a wordy disclaimer at the program's outset, attempting to make excuses for times when he would need "support" or something like that. Then the impetuous Brit zips off to some stark region, eats live animals and repeatedly mentions his accomplishments. Yippee for you, um, Bear. We'll leave the light on for you.