Spam Review #10

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Pelham vytt{dip_1979@178.67.214.202.ts.2iij.net
Date: Sat, Jun 7, 2008 at 4:45 AM
Subject: Everybody's raving about these wonder drugs

And beginning a few years ago, everyone was wondering about raving drugs. Folks!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: TermLifeAgent ixs@bestoffershappydeal.net
Date: Sun, Jun 8, 2008 at 10:36 AM
Subject: A Secure Future for You, an Optimistic Future for Them.

Who the hell is "Them"? The tomato plants I have growing in the yard? The PLO? The squirrels that haunt me every time I say the name "Mama Celeste"? Van Morrison's band from the 1960s? Stop torturing me with pronouns!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: hillyer varkey carla@courierdepot.com
Date: Mon, Jun 9, 2008 at 2:05 AM
Subject: You look really stupid mikeydhh

Aw, come on. Do I really? I'm trying to shed a couple pounds and plan to get a nice haircut. You just wait until my makeover.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: delmor hernando mrabolt@polrnet.com
Date: 2008/6/7
Subject: You look really stupid mikeydhh

Oh, you too? What the hell did I do to deserve this?

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Jeramie polkycne1961@14001.ru
Date: Fri, Jun 6, 2008 at 8:09 AM
Subject: Hard as a rock

Your giant apparatus will make her wet
http://www.treastewe.com/

Yes it will. It's my 50 foot long garden house, attached to the spigot on the side of the house. That'll make anyone wet. Hey, it's summer.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Zaida Heimark mdatook@cnyxhq.com
Date: Thu, Jun 5, 2008 at 9:14 PM
Subject: increased sweating; increased yawning; loss of
appetite; nausea adam


The goldsmith? by do. by chef the trial. As bribe To remission. Be or retailer. I or controller. The is exemplary medal promotion.
almighty it psoriasis. Of inexpensive do scandal. on fortunate? For of conjoint skate. Of constrained That emeritus. by brick. on my graduate. Is do fountain pagan tomcat. architect at witty. my chill, bubble an internal.

Ok, these aren't even complete sentences. I remember that architectural firm, Witty. Who's the chief architect there? Who's on your graduate? Mrs. Robinson? I was bubbling an internal as well, but that was from yesterday's chili.

Of harsh. With is capability, ultraviolet. And proceeding ballistic. To midland a swept monopoly. do the wing rule moisture. gait is positive. glow acting in amount.

It's a new dance! Let's all do the "Wing Rule Moisture!". I've swept Monopoly before...once I took Park Place and Boardwalk, forget it.

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greeting On moderate. As the without. My of crying. Of be victor competent embed. proximity go typically. To diet on being. But conjugate? Are on ordinance steam. Or sought To nobody. A alley. you it upheld. Not he guarantee niche boar. conglomerate or calculate. an wallpaper, allied as praise.

He businessman? Yes, me Tarzan, he businessman. Ah, Victor Competent, he was a competent pianist. So you're on "ordinance steam"? Is that like a code phrase for some drug I've yet to hear of? I'll go with "calculate".

on throughout. Or my hesitation, porter. was glazing patten.
on attention go breakup hermit. in no sincere spokesman dense. excursion a influential. sparrow snug be exemplary. Be of vast scholastic. Which do the flex no whereupon. A by contemplate. In it scout cobra community. For it edible labor spit. missile my cultivation. abuse to logical organisation. Go spade. her turning enemy curl.
On sometime? On is sometime color. With refinement An
music. No eddy. I so wrath. Or my persuasive endanger communicate. butt by occupant. go laminate, boron the blockbuster.

First, don't be calling me a porter. I quit that job years ago. Remember the breakup hermit? He used to just stay home and offer to call peoples' significant others and announce the breakup. Handy fellow. And I'm fed up with the cobra community. They're just a bunch of bikers that ride their Harleys and cause trouble at taverns. Yes. Go Spade! He's a good guy, so what if he's black, and got that nasty nickname. No Eddy? Damn, I was hoping he'd be around. I will now go and laminate. I follow orders.

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something. It decoration go imitate. I caretaker? To a recommend publish. That horoscope by shiny. on slag. Not by drama. For to arcane crave onyx. elemental he dispersal. it pure, form or thumb. it sheath? it For. so specialised no chevalier. Be inning With bonds. My be instrumentation. his so seasonal. so or abiding theatrical chamber. teaser he airs. in nucleus be chart.

She has a carrier? Like of a disease? Darn. She can be a carrier, you can't be a caretaker. Bonds isn't playing, so he's not in any inning. Yes, the Periodic chart has atomic information, and as such, a nucleus in every element. You should know that, and if you didn't, that explains your nasty case of podium acne. Probably you caught it from that carrier.

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I finding. do an technique. in a carpeting subconscious woke. platinum the jigsaw. so with, japan it indignation. At stratification? it Go. And science no accelerator. his brave At imply. it a serve. was a fullness. My or turnout peasant slightly. directive go booth. her skiing it acknowledgment.

I loved that character from that show - Platinum the Jigsaw! He was so cute. What, science without an accelerator? How are you going to accelerate particles now? So much for Fermi Labs. Keep skiing.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Letofsky Rutenberg prerecord@argelab.net
Date: Thu, Jun 5, 2008 at 5:02 AM
Subject: cubs gnarly


Halloha,

Battle, the parthas being headed by yudhishthira, first restrain
his own self if he desires to restrain who goes on the stand. thackeray not only created he houses himself in empty abodes of men. He sleeps will shoot shafts with great energy for the destruction see, that the speaker had risen from behind the the late hour, mr. Lincoln's bedroom was invaded acts. i never act fruitlessly. I am adorned with.

Halloha to you too. Yes the Cubs are most gnarly - hell, they have the best record in baseball at present. Can't wait to see these shafts. Are they of Mr. Lincoln? With what are you adorned? Clearly you don't act fruitlessly, this message was clear as a freshly cleaned window.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Raj Raj-eganorta@west.zomax.com
Date: Wed, Jun 4, 2008 at 8:51 AM
Subject: Make your hot rod longer

I have a beat up old Mustang, isn't that still considered a hot rod? Can I lengthen it? I need more trunk space, but be warned that the spoiler is loose, and who knows might have jammed something into the exhaust pipe. But yeah, a longer hot rod. Very appealing. I'm game.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: batholomew ned eli39@mail2uk.com
Date: Mon, Jun 2, 2008 at 10:23 AM
Subject: You look really stupid mikeydhh

Aw, come on, Ned. Now you're just piling on.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: TV on Your PC zdamn@bestoffershappydeal.net
Date: Mon, Jun 2, 2008 at 2:21 PM
Subject: Stop Paying the Cable Guy

I did, and the cable stopped its service. It's kind of a 50/50 proposition.

Vappie Awards - Best of Music

Welcome to the first (and likely only) Vappie Awards. These awards don't cover the past year alone, but extend back through all of earth's history. The first section is the best of music - of course the worst of music won't be far behind. After that, there will be a couple other categories of Vappie winners as well.


Best Music Video
Chemical Brothers - "Let Forever Be"

This very very closely beat out U2's "All I Want Is You" for top honors, it was almost a dead heat. U2's video is very cinematic and emotionally gripping, as it makes an effort to tell a story in the span of about six minutes. That said, the Chemical Brothers put out such a groundbreaking video, that is anything but cinematic, it is hard to ignore. The special effects and the overall anxiety of the video perfectly works with the song. In addition, as it didn't use classic film stock, it looks like something that harkens back to the early 1980s, but the result was far from it.


Best Rock/Pop Song
U2 - "Bad"

As I mentioned here, everything about the song builds with drama and almost incites a teardrop or two. One would have expected me to top that list with a Led Zeppelin song, but I had to give credit where credit was due.


Best Live Act
The Who

No argument here. And I'm talking from back in the day. They ran away with this category, as I explored before.


Best Rock Album
The Who - "Who's Next"

Another close race - and trust me, this hurt me to let "Led Zeppelin IV" lose out, being, as everyone knows, a Led Zeppelin person. In the end, I've heard every single song from "Who's Next" on classic rock radio, in regular rotation, and I can't necessarily say the same for any other album. As an unfortunate remnant of the brilliant "Lifehouse" project, it took the best tracks and plugged them into a single album, packed with fantastic songs - in a sense, it was a "best of" release.


Best Rock Drummer
Neil Peart (Rush)

This was a close race, as were most of these "awards". Neil beat out the likes of Keith Moon and Carl Palmer for his precision, creativity, and complexity of rhythms.


Best Rock Guitarist
Eddie Van Halen

Yeah, another one that was too close to call. This one might surprise a few people, as I always had Hendrix as #1, but after taking everything apart, Eddie had the nod in precision, innovation, and versatility. It's not to say that Hendrix couldn't have replicated some of the things (like two hand tapping) that Eddie mastered, but for the requisite time periods, I'd have to say that Eddie was just slightly more innovative. That's perhaps sacreligious to say, but again, it was a close race here.


Best Bass Player
John Entwistle

His complex runs and sense of timing were aspects that were hard to be surpass. Unfortunately his accomplishments are forever locked in the past, since he is one of the departed now.


Best Rock Vocalist
Freddie Mercury (Queen)

And once again, a tight race. He edged out Bruce Dickinson and a couple others. He simply had the range and power that few could match. It was hard to catch him off his game. He, like Bruce, had operatic qualities to his sense of singing, and that put him far ahead of the rest in the rock world.


Best Lyricist
Jim Morrison (Doors)

It's easy to roll ones eyes at this, but he was, by trade, a poet. His integration of classical references and rhythmic phrasing was truly the leading edge of what "The Doors" produced, and in many ways, the instrumentation was just a backing track for his creative poetry.


Best Song Writer
Pete Townshend

Another tight race, and another photo finish. This is an overall category that encompasses creativity in lyrics, music, and production. For all he did, Townshend runs away with it eventually. Close contenders were Paul Simon and Bruce Springsteen. As for Simon, even Pete himself said once "I'm no Paul Simon...". Regardless, Pete was one of the few that created entire projects - not just songs - that carried a common theme. Things like "Tommy", "Quadrophenia" and the abortive "Lifehouse" went far beyond the brilliance of merely creating one great song; now it was about creating a cohesive, interrelated suite of songs that all had a common theme and their content had to contribute to the direction of a greater goal. Songwriting legends such as Simon, Springsteen, and Dylan, had great passages and great "statement" songs, but they were generally piecemeal in nature.


Best Rock Riff
Led Zeppelin - "Whole Lotta Love"

Versed against many of these "awards" having been such tight races, this one is another runaway. I delved into this topic a while back, and if you don't know the song, you will once you hear it. Too recognizable, too gutteral, and too infectious.


Best Guitar Solo (In a Rock Song)
Dave Navarro - Jane's Addiction - "Three Days"

Navarro was always a hero of mine and a mad genius in his own way. The ethereal, complex phrasing of the minute-long solo in this song is almost otherworldly, and I might add, damn hard to replicate, as a guitarist. Many would have expected me to give the award to "Stairway To Heaven" for Jimmy Page's solo, and it was a close contender.


Best Rock Hottie
Debbie Harry (Blondie)

Her subtle, faux Marilyn Monroe nature, mixed with her sensual vocals, made for, shall we say, compelling theatre. She carried herself off very well as a little sex-pot, without overdoing it either.


Best Punk Band
Ramones

They had a lot of the punk ethos, whatever that might have been. The very nature of punk was being one's self, or in this case, a group's self. They played loud, raucious tracks that rarely crossed the three minute mark in terms of duration, but they were fun and independent of all other musical trends. Punk was a medium of independence and non-conformity. In my opinion, The Sex Pistols were simply a manager's creation, and The Clash was just a band with some decent songs at times.


Best Relic
Cheap Trick

For what it's worth, they still sound like they did back in the 1970s, and have seemingly relegated themselves to just playing their old hits, of which there were many. In addition, they've kept their lineup intact (with the exception of the early 1980s) and that gives them the nod over Van Halen. Aerosmith fell out of the running because of their sappy releases after 1990, but that's for another award ceremony (gee do I see a "Worst Of" award headed their way?). For what it's worth, AC/DC was a close runner-up, they have not really lost their edge in all the years they've been plugging on.


Best Make-Out Song
Led Zeppelin - "The Rain Song"

A beautiful piece, that just warms the heart with romance and emotion. Plus plenty of other warm places. The romance is somewhat snuffed out when the song hits the hard-rocking section near the end, but it's a soft trade-off.


Best 21st Century Band
White Stripes

Ok, before people complain, I know they released their debut album in 1999. But they broke through later than that, so there. Jack White is quite a creative fellow and did much to revive the basic recording style that symbolized much of the mid 1960s music. On a deeper level, the band's efforts are not just restricted to their oft-labelled "garage band" sound. There are some plaintive, endearing, and emotional tracks that speak from the heart, and those traits have long been lost upon most artists in the last 25 years. A fresh take on classic songwriting.



Stay tuned for the Worst Of Music awards.

Cooking Shows That Annoy The Hell Out of Me

- Chef At Home - Discovery Home Channel
Some Canadian bozo, with a dorky voice, hosts a show, presumably based out of his own home kitchen. First of all, when I think of countries that embraced fine cuisine, I don't think of Canada. Strike one. But even more annoying - well, most annoying - is that this moron always appears unshaven and it just drives me nuts. I've never seen this doof without a token 5 o' clock shadow to compliment his nerdy, bushy hair. His variations on food preparation are about as appealing as raw snails, and for that matter, he probably had those as well.

- Secret Life Of... - Food Network
The loud, annoying Jim O'Connor, as host of this show, would abruptly jut himself into various intriguing food locales, and even the non-celebrity food people wouldn't be able to stand him. He has no culinary experience of which to proffer, so he'd continually be an annoying host that would irritate the subjects of the segment's focus. Mercifully, he was no longer the host of the show for a good amount of recent episodes. Here's hoping that network executives saw the light in this case.

- Cookin' In Brooklyn - (not sure of the channel)
This doughy boob named Alan Harding hosts a faux reality show where he's stuck in various situations and has to turn out great meals as a result. He might forget his anniversary, or have a bunch of uninvited guests for a Super Bowl party. Regardless of the turmoil, he uses his "knowledge" of cooking to resolve the situation. Worse yet, he's got this annoying "taste cam" thing, in which he has a camera mounted behind an oustretched fork, for showing people on the street as they taste his creations.

- Take Home Chef - Discovery Channel, and others
Once again, as with Canada, when I think of countries that offer fine cuisine, I don't think of Australia. That happens to be the country of origin for the blond, supposedly handsome, surfer boy host of the show, Curtis. He tracks down attractive girls at grocery stores, offers to cook up a menu for the evening, and proceeds to create said menu and buy the requisite groceries for his latest hottie. A third of the time, his Australian accent creates indiscernable dialogue, set against his insistance to cook up meals that always seem incredibly inadequate for a normal couple's appetite.

- Dinner Takes All - Discovery Home
A bunch of self-ingratiated, usually wealthy, metropolitan jerks, all competing over a week's time for the honor of who can provide the best home-served meal. The contestants for the given week are always wealthy, the commentator is drippingly British, and the show focuses far too little on the creativity and/or preparation of the food itself, but rather the host of the day and the "entertainment" planned for the evening.

- Paula's Home Cooking/Paula's Party - Food Network
I've ranted on this before, so I can be brief. Irritating witticisms from the chunky host, constant preparation of artery-clogging fare, and endless occasions of dragging out her stupid sons to "help out", as if it were some serendipitous unplanned visit.

- Inner Chef - Discovery Home
Forget it, I haven't even made it through a whole episode of this. The guy can hardly speak English, he has a Scandinavian name, but is clearly of middle eastern descent. He relentlessly hugs the innocent female victim of the day (not unlike "Take Home Chef") and it just screams of discomfort.

- Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives - Food Network
Hosted by the oh-so-impetuous Guy Fieri (but must be pronounced "Fee-edd-ee" - ya see, he's Italian). This guy's an overly spunky, spikey-haired, living example of self parody, drumming up the surfer character to the point of agony. Most annoying of all, when indoors, interviewing some hard working restaurant person, he opts to wear his sunglasses NOT on the top of his head, NOT hanging from the collar, and NOT in the pocket of his predictable bermuda shorts, but *behind* his head, as in backwards. He looks like an absolute moron in doing so and surely he's trying to create some national trend. I won't hold my breath.