Friday, January 06, 2006

TV and other thoughts

Why do old people keep talking about how things were so much simpler "way back when..."? How simple can the old farts have it now? They get up at 4am, wait for the paper, wait more the paper, get the paper, read the paper, read the paper again, walk to the barber shop/hair salon, then go to bed at 4pm. Pretty tricky stuff, Emil.

I'm very happy the term "surf" has been dropped from associated verbage involving visiting various web sites. Disgusting term, conjured in a moronic context.

The web is 15 years old. It's gone through a "too much porn" phase, then the "dot com" era, then the "everything is a virus" era. But the whole thing wasn't a brilliant invention, it was a concept that needed high speed networking. And the internet didn't change the world, it just fattened us.

What's with these radio commercials that pretend to be a local show, but the commercial portrays "radio people" talking passionately about some garbage lineup on ABC/NBC? Networks have finally pulled back and realized they have no creativity or originality, so they gave us all those painful reality shows. I only watch sports nowadays.

Ah sports. Every swing, punt, injury, etc is sponsored. It's the Allstate Fatal Stock Car Crash of the Week! Thanks. Sign me up.

Speaking of sports, the Super Bowl is done. This whole "holiday" is insane. The pre-game show was 5 hours long. Please. Get a life.

When is Wilfred Brimley just going to die? The guy is just a bitter, fat, useless spokesman for diabetes and old people crap, and he always yells at the viewer through the television. DIE.

Let's just get it over with and take over all the oil wells in Iraq. Maybe we can get rich or something. Otherwise, bail out of there. And don't bother threateninc Iran, that bunch belongs on the moon.

Quizno's uses this stupid talking baby all the time for its ad campaign. It's not cute, and not funny. Enough. I hate babies in advertising.

I LOVE the Vonage commercials where all this crazy stuff is going on in the background as the true spokesperson gives his pitch. Brilliant. Speaking of brilliant, the Guiness guys crack me up.

When did McDonald's commercials shift to only using Ebonics for its primary language? It's 100% Afro-centric and that's fine. Are they saying that the others have figured out how unhealthy the food might be? Fair enough. Just slam out those McRibs to those uninitiated hambones...

Geico just shot themselves in the foot by employing this new, hideously annoying gecko character, straight out of England. While lecturing some tiresome script to a "real" gecko, the genius advertisers decided to employ painfully British vernacular like "bloke" and "chips" and otherwise turn the spokes-gecko into an annoying, indiscernable waste of time. Click. If they haven't figured out that these commercials are impossible to understand, they deserve the profit loss. AFLAC....

Moving along, check out the Food Network. The show "30 minute meals" stars Rachael Ray, an annoying, bubbly cutie that we'd either lust for, or stab. Drink a shot of Tequila every time she uses the word "flavor". You'll be wasted by the ten minute mark. Fun drinking game. And while I'm at it, the Food network runs so many commercials, it smells of old Match Game episodes. It's like 50/50 show/commercial ratio. I am not going to watch your pathetic clientele to see if Emeril made more veal. Get off your high horse, Food Network, show some programming every once in a while.

I will never eat at Burger King as long as that Burger King guy is on commercials. They are already on a big downslide...I'm afraid to eat there now, after the slime I ingested last time. Just go out of business so your existing structures can convert into a Popeye's as usual. It's your own fault you have no clue about marketing. G'nite, has-beens.

I hate how Nike exploited Jordan's legacy, but the most recent ad campaign, in which kids mimic his past achievements, is gorgeous and emotional. It makes one realize how incredible his career had been, so hats off.

Nobody is watching the Olympics. Nobody.

Fuck Sports Illustrated for their opportunistic commercials jumping on the latest team to win something, and peddle their half-assed "collectors edition" book commemorating the team's achievements. Congratulations [CHICAGO WHITE SOX] for winning the [WORLD SERIES]. Can you be more superficial and greedy? Fuck yourselves.

I actually like American Idol. Simon Cowell isn't evil, just honest. It's nice to see people with heads far too big be deflated back to earth. An interesting show and for all his arrogant affect, Cowell deserves accolades.

Bobby Knight's reality show will be aired on ESPN shortly. He coached teams very well. But addressing him now... Hey - you're a basketball coach. You push your kids to prospective greatness (except your pathetic seasons at Texas Tech lately). I saw you in an interview with the show "Cold Pizza" promoting your show on the same network and you were a contentious prick to the woman interviewing you. She deserved no such treatment, and you eventually walked away from the camera like a moron. Hey, dickhead. You can be thick-headed, driven, and harsh in the venue of coaching malleable recruits, but outside of those bounds, you might consider civility as an option, because not everyone is a player under your regimented program. Treat your kids like crap all you want, but when you treat people (even media people) with snotty, demeaning responses and unwarranted attitude, you lose every remaining drop of respect left in my, and others, tank. It helps me conclude that you are a misanthropic, self-centered asshole that I'd just as soon see retire and disappear to a miserable, lonely death, because you have no redeeming qualities as a person. Go fuck yourself, Knight; go abuse your players and enjoy the sadism, because you are not a good person. Can't wait until you're dead.