Thursday, February 21, 2008

Commercial Strangulation

A recent posting of mine at with reference to commercials "strangulating" us.

Television has dutifully shot itself in its foot by overwhelming us with commercials, compressing shows with split screens, and otherwise editing shows down to the bare minimum in the interest of maximizing profits. Shows from the 1970s such as MASH had eleven minute segments, and shows on the current Food Network and Discovery Channel have segments that are six or seven minutes at best. I had long since given up on the broadcast networks, but in these times, the worst offenders are the pay channels - be they from a cable or satellite service. In the glory days of "pay" television, we were spending money to avoid the commercials that plagued viewers of the free networks. Now, it's almost as though the "cable" channels are as bad, if not worse, than their so-called "free" broadcast networks. One has to wonder where our subscription fees to these cable/satellite services go?

I can understand broadcast (i.e. "free") networks running commercials ad nauseum, but then again, one gets what they pay for. It costs nothing (other than the price of a television and its electricity) to watch NBC or Fox. But when paying for the right to see "cable" channels, we shouldn't theoretically be seeing the same amount (if not more) of commercials. The sad truth is that cable channels can get away with murder; they provide content that attracts audiences, and worse yet, the world of television is tilted toward the world of cable and satellite.

Without question, commercials are strangling and altering programming content. The split screens we see on various networks are simply a televised replica of the banners and advertisements we see on the internet. Why do networks push their web presences so passionately? Check one of their sites. In the time you load their page, they're able to surround their content with several ad banners and effectively "run their commercials". One would think that this ease of potential advertising revenue from an alternate medium would relieve us of the constant barrage of televised ads, but that isn't the case. We're stuck with an ever-growing reliance on the media, and since they know this, those outlets are empowered to dictate the rules.

A savvy member of the peanut gallery will likely say witty things like "didya forget where the 'off' button was?" or "just don't watch..."
Yeah, but it's everywhere. And the point is that it's growing worse than any perceived pollution that one could conjure. Internet banners, commercials, radio spots, billboards. All wealthy entities, be they in media, oil, or banking, know they can progressively get away with more and more every year or so, provided that it's snuck under the radar of the supposed outspoken public. It's easy to advocate total withdrawal from the world and not use oil, power, or the media, but it's very tough to do that. I personally still use oil and watch the television, but I do purposely avoid products pitched by stupid commercials (unfortunately not including utilities), and for now, that's a start.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

These Stupid Chicago Emails

I got another one of these tiresome emails about "Chicago Slang", as it were. I have already ranted about the characterizations, but here's the email and my comments.

Before I continue, must define something called the "Moustache Rule". This is that nationally presumptuous rule of thumb that every Chicagoan is a white, sloppy-talking, blue-collar, overweight beer-drinking slob that never paid attention to grammar or personal hygiene. Just like the SNL skits of old, it's assumed that these guys live for the Bears, eat lots of sausage, and generally spout stupidity. The typical poor grammar and speech jokes, with assumptions that Chicago people can't speak properly, will be attributed to the Moustache Rule. Anyway, see stupid email and my stupid comments...


1. Grachki (grach'-key): Chicagoese for 'garage key' as in,
'Yo, Theresa, waja do wit da grachki? How my supposta cut da grass if I don't git intada grach?'

How is "garage key" a common phrase? Ever hear of remote control door openers?

2. Sammich: Chicagoese for sandwich. When made with
sausage, it's a sassage sammich; when made with shredded beef, it's an Italian Beef sammich, a local delicacy consisting of piles of spicy meat in a perilously soggy bun.

I've heard that term in jest, only. And there's no such thing as a (sic) "sassage sammich". We call them "italian sausage" or "hot dog". NOBODY says "Italian Beef Sammich". An Italian Beef is known as "A Beef". And why do you need to explain an Italian Beef? The beef is sliced, not shredded. A perilously soggy bun? I've never heard of bread and danger put together before.

3. Da: This article is a key part of Chicago speech, as in 'Da Bears' or 'Da Mare' -- the latter denoting Richard M. Daley, or Richie, as he's often called.

Yeah, sure, this whole thing might've been around on the southwest side of town, but it really isn't prevalent as one might think. Moustache Rule...

4. Jewels: Not family heirlooms or a tender body region, but a popular name for one of the region's dominant grocery store chains. 'I'm
goin' to the Jewels to pick up some sassage.'

No, that's wrong, people say "The Jewel". Stop by some time.

5. Field's: Marshall Field, a prominent Chicago department store. Also Carson Pirie Scott, another major department store chain, is simply called ' Carson 's.'

We'll just leave out the fact that Field's has since been bought out.

6. Tree: The number between two and four. ' We were lucky dat we only got tree inches of snow da udder night.'
7. Over by dere: Translates to 'over by there,' a way of
emphasizing a site presumed familiar to the listener. As in, 'I got the sassage at the Jewels down on Kedzie, over by dere.'

8. Kaminski Park : The mispronounced name of the
ballpark where the Chicago White Sox (da Sox) play baseball. Comiskey Park was renamed U.S. Cellular Field (da Cell)

9. Frunchroom: As in, 'Get outta da frunchroom wit dose
muddy shoes.' It's not the 'parlor.' It's not the 'living room.' In the land of the bungalow, it's the 'frunchroom,' a named derived, linguists believe, from 'front room.'

10. Use: Not the verb, but the plural pronoun 'you!' 'Where use goin'?'

I'll cite the "Moustache Rule" here for the above.

11. Downtown: Anywhere near The Lake, south of The Zoo (Lincoln Park Zoo) and north of Soldier Field.

Um, big cities tend to have a "downtown".

12. The Lake : Lake Michigan . (What other lake is there?) It's often used by local weathermen, 'cooler by The Lake.'

This one's true.

14. Braht: Short for Bratwurst. 'Gimme a braht wit kraut.'

Moustache Rule. And this isn't Milwaukee. What happened to item 13, by the way?

15. Goes: Past or present tense of the verb 'say.' For example, 'Den he goes, 'I like this place'!'

Can't argue that one.

16. Guys: Used when addressing two or more people, regardless of each individual's gender.

Not known to be specific to a region or locale.

17. Pop: A soft drink. Don't say 'soda' in this town. 'Do ya wanna canna pop?'

Yes, completely a regional thing. This debate will never end.

18. Sliders: Nickname for hamburgers from White Castle, a popular Midwestern burger chain. 'Dose sliders I had last night gave me da

White Castles are all over the eastern half of the country. Oh yeah, and Moustache Rule.

19. The Taste: The Taste of Chicago Festival, a huge extravaganza in Grant Park featuring samples of Chicagoland cuisine which takes
place each year around the Fourth of July holiday.

Such daring parlance.

20. 'Jeetyet?': Translates to, 'Did you eat yet?'

Moustache Rule. Very clever. "Jyarunoutofstupiditemsyet?"

21. Winter and Construction: Punch line to the joke, 'What are the two seasons in Chicago ?'

Unfortunately, now it's just forever construction season.

22. Cuppa Too-Tree: is Chicagoese for 'a couple, two, three' which really means 'a few.' For example, 'Hey Mike, dere any beerz left in da cooler over by dere?' 'Yeh, a cuppa too-tree.'

Moustache Rule. Of course it's only "beerz" we drink.

23. 588- 2300: Everyone in Chicago knows this commercial jingle and the carpet company you'll get if you call that number -- Empire!

Fine, I'll give you that one. Though it's technically 800-588-2300.

24. Junk Dror: You will usually find the 'junk drawer' in the kitchen filled to the brim with miscellaneous, but very important, junk.

Who the hell decided this was a local thing? It's a damn drawer! What next, the phenomenon of this crazy "medicine cabinet" thing up in Spokane? Those crazy denizens of Baton Rouge, with their zany "flush toilets"? I hear that Detroit people are riding around in some type of "Horseless Carriage". Insanity.

25. Southern Illinois : Anything south of I-80. This is where Smothers' is from....

Technically that's incorrect - it is considered "downstate". Nice try though, I'm sure the Nantucket local library would have some more valuable slang material. Chop chop! No comment on the "smothers" thing, that's just off the map - literally.

26. Expressways: The Interstates in the immediate Chicagoland area are usually known just by their 'name' and not their Interstate
number: the Dan Ryan ('da Ryan'), the Stevenson, the Kennedy (da 'Kennedy'), the Eisenhower (da 'Ike'), and the Edens (just 'Edens' but Da Edens' is acceptable).

Ewww, fiendishly clever - stick that endearing "da" article in front of the names and it will be Chicagoese! I tend to think that this joke has worn out its welcome, Thad.

27. Gym Shoes: The rest of the country may refer to them
as sneakers or running shoes but Chicagoans will always call them gym

Sneakers? Running shoes? Good Lord, Ruben Kincaid, get out of the 1970s. Running shoes? What the hell does that mean? At least I've heard the phrase "tennis shoes" before. It's not a Chicago thing, it's a "now" thing, nimrod. Grab a new flux capacitor and join our century.

Man, to think I wasted an hour on this...

Monday, February 11, 2008

Spam Review #6

Why Not...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: amelie LOCO
Date: Feb 11, 2008 10:34 AM
Subject: I heard John had to stop taking those capsules because he became too large, and his girlfriend complained it hurt

I heard John was a sadistic bastard that liked to make her hurt. I also heard he was an unsavory character that was into playing the ponies. Bad day at the track...hurt the girlfriend. Oh, those capsules aren't going anywhere. He threatens her - "You keep complaining, I'm gonna take a capsule! Don't make me take capsule. It's just abusive over there. He was banging on her mobile home one night, "Here come the capsules! I got you now woman!" Bad scene. Don't even ask about when she made the wrong flavor of Jello.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: glenn Dyer <>
Date: Feb 9, 2008 2:18 PM
Subject: Be the King of the bedroom with your new sceptre

Being normal is not good enough, you need a bigger d1ck

I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE! Do not ignore my sceptre! I will strike you down!
The bedroom is my domain! Do not disobey the sceptre!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Bogosh Haslett <>
Date: Feb 10, 2008 6:06 PM
Subject: greenishness

Ni hao,

Are you a frrequent visitor of retaill softwarre stores?
We know what you're oveerpaying for:- box manuffacturing- CD- sallesperson salary- RRent of shop sppace- Yeear-to-year
increasiing taxes in your ccountry

Well, what for ?! You're able to downnload everythiing
legally NOW! Fabbulous range of softwarre and LOW prices will make you smile and save your money!

Of it except those holy cross fellas. They came for him
not at all. The princess found cranley intercourse with thefamily of my host, before as also his two parshni drivers. the valiant kripa had dictated, commanded his servant, saying, 'letwhere his mind would not be distracted from his the total the fact that through ill health on existence of an objective world is denied in the the way he beheld a vulture hugeas a mountain, brave and high souled warriors, swords and shields, the science of arms. And he was of wonderful deeds principal part of each day's food which is supplied
vaisampayana said, 'thus addressed by the brahmanas, (brahman) created dharma for the advancement and came after. Maybe he has been here. I don't know..

Oh no, Bogosh hasn't taken his multiple personality disorder pills again. There's Bogosh the (sic) softwarre peddlerr, with hhis tenndency to ttype ddouble connsonants. Then clearly we heard from Bogosh the channeler of great warriors from ages past. And poor alternate Bogosh can't even be sure if he knows, with his closing statement.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: cord hiroshi <>
Date: Feb 11, 2008 7:39 PM
Subject: Re:

Get our present for your feeling well!!!

Based on the domain name of this email address, I think I'll pass. I don't want any such present. Bob Denver went down from something similar in the mail once.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: The CreditLine4You Center <>
Date: Feb 11, 2008 10:31 PM
Subject: We may help you to get an unsecured card

Sure, unsecured. Yeah I hear ya. Who's the identity theft victim? Thank God this isn't one of those insecure cards. Man, what a battle keeping that insecure card quiet. I'd whip it out, and it would say "Oh sure, you just use me whenever you want, I'm not worth anything but gas to you?" It was too insecure. Needed too much coddling.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Glenna Hamalainen <>
Date: Feb 9, 2008 8:48 AM
Subject: A couple of inches
never hurt anyone

A couple of inches never hurt anyone

Yeah, right; say that to the truck driver that got stuck under the thirteen foot underpass on Cicero Avenue the other day. He was just a couple of inches too tall. Took him hours to get his too-tall-truck out from under that bridge. Poor guy. Just a couple inches.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: austen
paula <>
Date: 2008/2/10
Subject: Re: Eine friedliche
Stimmung beherrschte ganz und gar die ?

ffentliche Meinung in Russland. Man verd?chtigte aber
den Zaren, er besch?ftige sich auch weiterhin mit Kriegspl?nen. Allerlei
Beschwerden gegen den Kaiser und insbesondere gegen Czartoryski wurden laut und
lauter. Der ?sterreichische Botschafter in Petersburg,

Yeah well Colonel Klink, or whoever you saw you are, I know your schemes. I will just say:
"Sie können weiter gehen und reden über Russland. Bleiben Sie weg von uns in Amerika, die Sie imperialen Diebe! Andernfalls werde ich John und seine Kapseln, mit Bogosh und seine magische Schwert-Attacke auf Ihr Reich."

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Hear it first from Free Card Search>
Date: Feb 10, 2008 6:23 AM
Subject: Get a Brand Spanking new credit card

If I can buy spankings with this card, consider me in!

Want more information on our cookie policy? Just click

No, I heard enough about your cookie policy. No thin mints, no oatmeal cookies, I don't like it. You're lucky you let chocolate chip cookies slide.

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: Gardeners Supply <>
Date: Feb 5, 2008 9:32 AM
Subject: The World's Most Earth-Friendly Pots

The World's Most Earth-Friendly Pots

Pots, huh? Ya sure there's an S at the end of "Pots"? Riiiiiight.

Biodegradable, Eco-Friendly Cowpots for Transplants.
Buy Now! $10.95

Ok, this is just cow poop, isn't it. Fine, I'm in. Everyone can use poop.


A Revolutionary Planter for Tomatoes

Homegrown tomatoes at your fingertips! Hanging
planter reduces pests and diseases to ensure great crops.
Buy Now!

My planter was such a nice guy. He watered the vegetables daily. Now I have to hang him? Poor guy. Time to get the rope.



All-in-One Kit Grows More Sweet, Juicy Tomatoes with
Less Work.
Buy Now! $64.95

The follow-up to Guns n' Roses' "Chinese Democracy" : "Tomato Success"!

Deluxe Rain Barrel Holds 75 Gallons.
Buy Now!

Sounds like a Kentucky Urinal to me.


Brushed Stainless Steel Compost Pail Keeps It Simple.
Buy Now! $19.95

Sounds like a Kentucky Porta Potty to me.

A Natural Solution for Pesky Fruit Flies.
Buy Now! $26.95

I want a natural solution for pesky telemarketers. Make me a plant for that one.


Rugged Tubs are a Gardener's Best Friend.
Buy Now! $16.95

Is this like that "cunning stunt" joke? I think they'd prefer Tugged Rubs.


Just $42.99

Yeah, I remember when this was called a beanbag chair.


Learn How This Gardner Stars His Seeds in 22 APS Kits.

It's the Battle of the Network Seed Stars! Watch them in the obstacle course.


You mean "grow weed in your basement".

Buy Now! $44.99

I see plenty wet toilet seats when I have to drop a deuce at the bus station.

Buy Now! $5.95

Again, don't you mean "THC from seedlings"?

Buy Now! $129.00

I heard Robert Plant can't stand Trio. You know, that "Da Da Da" band.

Buy Now! $6.95

Oh I don't want this shipment. Speaking of which, I'm about to make a shipment myself. That's a "take a dump" joke for the uninitiated.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Spam Review #5

More from the email world...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Joy florimonte <>
Date: Feb 7, 2008 6:29 PM
Subject: Click here for an all-new Growth

It's going to be a bumpy night, tell her to buckle down
for the ride of her life

Funny, I told her that a couple months ago when we were about to hit a lot of potholes with my Mustang. It had bad struts.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Brain Cormier <>
Date: Feb 6, 2008 4:53 PM
Subject: Stay home and use the phone

Do you have a telephone? Can you return calls to people who are waiting to hear from you? If you do and would like to be your own B0SS and create a great living for you and your family then go to that phone and call us now.

Yes, no, and I won't.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Dutch Gardens <>
Date: Feb 1, 2008 9:04 AM
Subject: Great Perennials for Shady Spots!

Oh, don't get me started about the shady spots I've been to. Warm beer, creepy people, bad pool table. Never could be sure how they stayed in business.


Those same shady spots were rather racist.


I just knew that Jack the Preacher was doing something suspicious during his sermons. Must've been the altar boys again...

Opt for something totally different with this strikingly
beautiful-and highly visible-perennial. Blooms are an unmistakable sight: a smoky-purple base, snow-white cup and large hood with purple, green and white stripes.

Ick, smokey purple base. Now Jack is getting too graphic.

Petal-packed blooms have a lovely fragrance.
Carefree, long-lived plant rarely requires division; grows 24 to 30 inches tall.

Buy Now! $10.95

Reminded me of my funny moment when someone was showing off her peonies. She said "peonies". I said, "will do!" and opened up the hose. Never saw her again.

Dazzling and different late-spring bloomer!

Annie Duke?

Vibrant-pink, fully double flowers cover each stem for
weeks in late summer. Buy Now!

Oh, I remember "Double Scotch Heather". That's all it took to get her rocked, then game on!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Magic Bouillion <>
Date: Jan 31, 2008 12:29 AM
Subject: skiver


Downloadablee Softwware

Down to the river but my reckonings were bad. 'we desire to hear from thee the mysteries of a life of domesticity. do thou listen
to me with jury ought to see the original. instead of the georgia without waiting for all the southern states, & other places later & we are
booked for munich be affected but i found that this depends upon this suspicion seems unfounded, because guillaume could happen, in case his father chanc'd to dye, mention it, said acton, cheerfully.

sorry i upset.

This one is too weird to even dissect. Something about the south, Germany, and the guy that played "Benson". Pass. Sorry you upset too. Spam on.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: goober vester <>
Date: Jan 31, 2008 4:15 PM
Subject: Re:Make use of our cut rates here and now!

I do not respond to people named "Goober".

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Find The Right Design School Authority
Date: Jan 27, 2008 10:18 PM
Subject: Turn your talent for fashion into a

Well, I'm honored! You know my fashion sense by now. T-shirt, jeans. T-shirt, jeans. T-shirt, jeans. T-shirt, shorts (summer season), T-shirt, jeans.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: oejsnarb <>
Date: Jan 23, 2008 9:57 PM
Subject: obmub

It felt like heaven when Paul entered me, he was so much
bigger now

Can't you even get verb tense correct? He was so much bigger now? Is that like the song "I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now"? Paul probably talks to you in sign language. Hey, maybe you're that deaf Linda character from the old "Sesame Street" shows! Did you dump Louise? He had that nice fix-it shop. Did you ever do Hooper? Yeah, don't lie.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: MilitarydotcomOfferAuthority <>
Date: Jan 23, 2008 4:40 AM
Subject: The Insider's Guide to GI Bill

Can't See This Email?

I love these. If I can't see the email, why ask? I wouldn't be seeing the question. Friggin' morons.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Spam Review #4

More stuff from the world of spam emails. This stuff just writes itself.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Sven Uhler <>
Date: Feb 6, 2008 2:04 PM
Subject: The trophy can now be in your pants...

Lost your college sweetheart to the quarterback? Get her
back with this.

Hey, I lost my college sweetheart to an out of control cement truck on an icy road. What shall I use to get her back? Black magick? Raising the spirits? C'mon, Sven, that quarterback is married and in a nice house. And for the record, I actually have put trophies in my pants. I shouldn't mention that. Ah the sensation of cold brass...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Daan fromich <>
Date: Feb 6, 2008 7:19 AM
Subject: Your most magnificent toy ever, unleashed
amongst women with a vengeance.

Never invited to the after-party party? Here's your
invitation card.

Whoo hoo! I get to unleash my remote controlled BatCopter that I got when I was a kid!
I just knew this would get me into the after-party party. Now I have to think about a new toy to get me into the after-party after-party party. Maybe my old Thundershift 500 racing game. That rocked. Then again, I could part with my Toss Across.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Dr Tabitha Sims <>
Date: Feb 6, 2008 4:32 AM
Subject: It's important

Make your mistress satisfied!
You dont know what to
do? It's easy :)
More info you can read here:
Have a hot nights!

Oh sure, Tabitha, bust me on my mistress. How ever did you find out? It's like you have a telescope aimed right at my penthouse. Should I be wary of the fact that this impending satisfaction involves going to a link that has the word "grave" in it? I will have "a hot nights". You have a good days too. Moron. Bad Tabitha, bad.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Mirja Yaria <>
Date: Feb 7, 2008 8:43 AM
Subject: Hidden in your pants is a A Hollywood Story
that's incredibly huge...

Yes, it's true. In my back pocket I have the script I wrote for the docudrama about the rise and fall of Jack Klugman. The women, the bad "Odd Couple" era, his estrangement from Brett Summers, the hopeless addiction to mustard, it's all in there. And you can't have it. This is a blockbuster. Or ball buster, as it were. Big fonts too. It'll sell.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Doctor Ruby Cherry <>
Date: Feb 7, 2008 2:10 AM
Subject: Enormous male device is a dream of every wife

Yeah, it's called a Ferrari.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: dino frog <>
Date: Feb 5, 2008 8:21 PM
Subject: Fw:

"Before I was always embarrassed, but now when I go workout or even just take a shower I feel really proud. For real, ManSter has
turned my life around. I'm amazed that a little pill can do all

I'd be embarrassed to have the name "Dino Frog". ManSter? That online music service? Hey, anything to get your shower pride back to normal.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: True WebDeals
Date: Feb 3, 2008 9:20 AM
Subject: Feeling Lonely? You could Find Love!

Firstname, someone really wants to meet you!There's someone from
that could be a great match .
Click now for a quick match -

Oh thank you! I've been looking for someone to scream my name out in bed on a nightly basis. Oh Firstname! Give it to me Firstname!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Coney Monaghan
Date: Feb 3, 2008 3:04 PM
Subject: Release all your inner frustration!

Everything can GROW - here is how!

Oh thank you thank you thank you Coney! My tulips in the front yard are just not growing. This has been so frustrating! You're like that well-timed John Denver song that just makes all my problems and frustrations disappear like a fart in the wind. Bless you, Coney!

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Show Me Those Commercials!

Hey kids, I figure, for lack of anything better to do, I might as well update you on the latest annoying commercials. Yum!

Cash Call

I love this organization. It's a loan shark that can afford to advertise. Basically, you can call them up, get a loan over the phone, with no collateral. It's clearly a shady operation, and their 99% interest rate on the loan (no I'm not kidding) certainly speaks highly of their fine organization. Not to mention their abortive initial advertising campaign that sunk to the point of hiring the perennially down-and-out Gary Coleman to be their pitch man. Worse yet, Lil' Arnold sank to new prostitutional lows by openly saying that he was in need of money and nobody would loan it to him. That's just pathetic, I wonder if it had anything to do with him being an abysmal has-been with a horrible demeanor and abrasive personality. Nobody even loans him money, let alone hires him. Clearly this outfit did both. I have a distinct feeling that he called this place, got his loan, and unable to pay it off, offered to work it off by appearing in some silly commercials. Those commercials disappeared after a few months. Now they don't even use him, the new ads simply say "we trust you" and immediately back the statement by saying "just make sure you can afford the monthly payments..." Just be sure. Otherwise Vito will be at your door. Or Lil' Arnold. "Whatchutalkinbout, Cash Call?" I just wonder who their next big celebrity will be signed on to endorse their fabulous, legalized loan shark service. Erin Moran, TV's Joanie? Adam Rich, little Nicholas from "Eight Is Enough"? Ralph Malph? Mr. Bentley? Larry from "Three's Company"? Mr. Angelino? Coolidge from "White Shadow"? Jimmy Walker? Die-No-Mite!!!!


Yeah yeah, you know I love whining about this commercial. This is another one of those home-based business "opportunities", in which you invest a typical small start-up fee and bingo - you're making zillions of dollars per week, working from home, with nothing more than a computer and an internet connection. It's an old, tired scheme that had previously been exploited by other web sites. The kicker is that this commercial employs a cartoon fox, purportedly sitting at his computer, saying "you have to be crazy - crazy like a fox!" He's clearly this poorly rendered animated character, some reject from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit". If you look closely, while this clever fox is sitting at his computer, you'll notice there is no mouse on the desk. If this cartoon fox was so clever with his home business, he might have been able to haul his furry, crap-encrusted fox ass over to the store and drop a couple clams on a mouse. Then again, he's so crafty and cunning, I'm sure this lame Atari 2600 fox has other ways to navigate the web without a mouse.

Sports Illustrated

Once again, they're back at it, peddling their ridiculous collector's editions of books and videos from the latest team to have won a championship. Recently, it has been to honor the allegedly dramatic and exciting season of the LSU Tigers. Wait, it wasn't dramatic or exciting - but they won the national championship! Cah-ching! Talk about whores. Worse yet, they run these commercials across the country, like Joe Lunchpail in Boston could give a damn about what LSU "achieved" and might magically be convinced to purchase a subscription to S.I. for the fascinating tales of LSU. Yawn. Watch out for the inevitable commercials about the New York Giants - I'd say in about a week, they'll be cranking these out as well. True syndrome of the "Fair Weather Fan".


These commercials are no longer funny, cool, or creative. Now they have a rather irritating, homely woman bragging about Vonage's features on a split screen, while the evil guy from "The Phone Company" gets gradually knocked off the split screen by her big ass and catty comments. Hey morons, half of all broadband service is provided through that same evil phone company. Ever think of who wired up the infrastructure. Sure, bite the hand that fed you. I'm sure that woman on the commercial would, she looks like she hasn't missed a meal in a while.


In honor of black history month, or something, I've seen commercials about how they are offering to help blacks get jobs. Too funny - what next? Crown Royal? Mad Dog? Hire them for being taste testers? Is a whiskey company really the best candidate for hiring previously "down and out" people? Can't wait to see the turnover rate on this batch of fresh faced recruits.

Always Maxi Pads

This bunch is boasting their wonderful new charitable side by advertising that they are donating pads to poor girls in Africa. Ok, I understand that they make maxi pads, but can't they just pool some money together and buy them some oats? With consistent famine, war, death, disease, and poverty abounding on that continent, is menstrual hygiene the top priority up there? Can't wait until more companies try a lame charity donation scheme as well. Palmolive. Those poor, hungry Africans need more Palmolive. Are the people that make plastic forks going to jump in on this? Forks - those people need forks! These poor people will be inundated by things that they can't eat, use, or pronounce. DVDs, dental floss, cell phones, Pampers, Seagrams, Sports Illustrated subscriptions, whoopie cushions, Marshall Amplifiers, snowmobiles, and Playstation 3 units.