Monday, August 28, 2006

The F Word (friend)

I'm very very distant from using the word "friend". It took 35 years, but I realized that apart from my girlfriend and my parents, I have no true friends, in the classic sense. That's understandable, and the typical response of "maybe it's partly your fault" is inevitable as well. I admit fault in many ways, but people don't just call to say hi, or call to "shoot the breeze" to use the antiquated colloquialism. So why did such people ever know me in the first place? There were drugs in the golden era, some may have wanted to whoop it up in that context. Some were probably just bored and knew I'd be out to the bars on any given night. Others just were bored. It sucks to realize that most people called me to serve a particular purpose - or to allow me to be a reason to hang out. Once things became tricky for me, like losing a job, the "friends" stopped calling. Most people ran away saying that I had lost my mind. If so, then the good ones would've still stuck around.

I can stand on my ethical pedestal because I am one of the few who actually call people just to check on them and say hi. Sue me, it's a silly concept, but appreciated by many from the old days. A friend should have no ulterior motives and merely care. It's a shame to see how rare such relationships emerge. Treasure them with all the zeal you can muster.

Rule #1: You won't meet real friends in bars, most of the time. There are exceptions, but usually it's pertinent to the situation of having a few drinks and unwinding.

Rule #2 : If you don't hear from someone after a month, they aren't a friend.

Rule #3: People are fickle - the good ones stick behind you and think about you. The rest just turn their backs when it's no longer convenient or entertaining.

Rule #4: Don't rely on others for their approval. To hell with them. Once you separate the truly good ones from the superficial slugs and sluts, it will be far easier to tune out the pathetic opinions of such assholes and merely focus on the thoughts of those that really care.
The ONLY opinions that matter are those of your own and those of the true friends in your life. This is the most important point. Decide who matters, and discard the rest. Most people will belch their opinions to you but it's your job to flush them down the toilet.

Rule #5: If someone doesn't care about you, it doesn't mean you have to be reciprocal. Care about them and hold thy head up high, thus proverbially turning the other cheek. I will always care about some people that now despise me...I just do, and regardless of their resentment, I will help whenever possible. I'll take a lot of abuse, but so what. I'd rather they saw this tendency and changed their direction, than continue being hateful and uncaring.

Rule #6: Help anyone you can. It's hard to help a person you'd since determined to be an "un-friend" but it's just good karma to be there just in case. It's not much of an investment in future payback, but you'll feel like a good person, just for being there and helping.

Rule #7: Don't let others determine who you are. If people hurt you with their opinions and thoughts, it's up to you to maintain self sufficiency and cast aside such idiotic notions. If you intend for the best, aren't exploiting anyone, and just keeping to yourself, then everyone else can rot in hell.--

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Annoying Commercials

I've already ventured into reasons for my resentment toward advertising in general, but various TV commercials these days have taken me to the brink. Here are my most hated commercials...

1) Geico : The Gay Cavemen
You know this one, "Our site is so easy, even a caveman can use it...". Har har. Then we see these two disgusting, obviously gay, cavemen complaining about the advert's insensitivity.

I don't want to see leftover couples find their "love" based on "deep compatability". I don't want to hear how happy these chumps are. Yeah, that first kiss, I know. "Wow". Most of the guys look like they smell, and most of the associated women look like they always had way too many pets and library books. Glad it took a web site and a modern day Orville Redenbacher to pair these love birds together. Stop telling me how happy you are.

3) Geico - The Gecko
Sure, based on my past rants, this was clearly going to be up in the list. This unintelligible, mealy mouthed, over anglicized "character" is foreign, hard to understand, not cute, and just pointless.

4) The Athlete's Foot Commercials
I don't want to see or hear about it

5) The Prostate Medications
I don't want to hear about peeing too often, enlarged prostate, prostate this, prostate that. How about shut up.

6) Christian Children's Fund
First of all, Pernell Roberts is this commercial's spokesman, he used to actually be a relevant actor and fell off the face of the earth years ago to grow a scary beard, smell bad, and do these commercials out of bad third world locations. I'm tired of being guilted into helping a child get education and food for the price of a cup of coffee (not true, by the way). How about we take care of our own country, first, Trapper? Take a shower, hand out condoms and shut up.

7) Sports Illustrated - Champs of the Month
Sports Illustrated has always been true grease balls with peddling crap to gain subscriptions. These days, they take the champ of the moment and create "commemorative" souvenirs to honor the team's "achievement" as if it's a rare treasure to be collected. Go back to the football phone or lower your subscription rates, you morons.

8) Laura & Hardy
I use the pun, because far too many ads have a fat, ugly husband with a cute slender wife. Too often, and it's obviously intentionally bent upon catering to those same fat losers who are rotting on their couches, eating cheetos.

9) Kraft Easy Mac
The most sickening commercials, now pulled. They were based in a fictitious college called University of St. Arvin (i.e. "starvin") and had disgusting people doing disgusting things. Makes me think of eating. What idiotic logic, to use the term wildly.

10) McDonalds - i.e. MACK Donald's
Ok, these spots are SO black, it's a joke. Just start running these things in ebonics. I stopped going there once the commercials became 100% rap.

11) How's The Career?
Jon Lovitz... Subway...Eat Fresh. Yeah, collect that check, fatso.
John Lithgow for Campbell's Select. See above.

12) Dell - The Dopey Ordering Guy

Duh I'll take a faster processor, more expensive this and that. All along we see this nice, tricked-out machine get put together in an instant, apparently customized as he speaks. Good luck paying that bill. Nice to see there are still people stupid enough to fall for upsells.

13) Applebee's : The Singing Dopes
There are two dopey people singing bad songs for Applebee's, and the songs aren't even funny or pleasant, especially after seeing the commercial for the 89th time. They need to go back to Caroline's or whatever coffee house from which they were hastily plucked.

14) Mobile ESPN
Nobody wants this phone system. It's sad, just sad. Give it up.

15) Talk To Chuck
God oh god, this series is infuriating. These Charles Schwab spots take a dopey "investor", film them talking, then literally cartoonize the whole frame into some type of creepy, ghostly, inked set of motion pictures that just make me not want to eat.

16) All Other Medicines
With all other pill commercials, 80% of its time is spent with the FDA mandated declarations of side effects, contraindications, reasons to avoid it, etc. They always have that rare, stellar, incisive advice saying "talk to your doctor". Gee thanks, Randolph Mantooth. Not to mention the overused joke about the warning "if your erection lasts more than four hours...". Too easy.

17) Wilford Brimley
Still want him dead. I don't care about his diabetes. I care about the poor horse that he's decided to park his big margarine ass upon. Get off the horse and start walking to the bone yard, you cranky old bastard.

18) Venture Whatever.Com
Let's see, there's,,, and They all made the same four unemployed struggling actors a gig portraying an allegedly successful and wealthy benefactor.

19) Billy (whoever) with His Lame Products
This guy with the beard screams and yells and magically his commercials are always twice the volume of all adjacent programming. He peddles his Oxy stuff, the Orange cleaner, etc. Quiet down, you jag, we get the hint. Try shutting the hell up and shaving.

20) Cutesy Toddler Training Pants
Stop showing kids on the crapper, dropping deuces all over the place and making mommies happy. This is not suitable for television.

21) Lipitor
This commercial shows how genetics may influence high cholestrol in addition to diet, then makes cute comparisons (like fettucine alfredo vs grandpa alfredo). The "relatives" they flash on the screen are all creepy and ugly, so just stop. I would've offed myself long ago had I realized that my ancestry was so hideous. It's time for grandpa Alfredo to take a dirt nap, I'll keep eating cheese.