Sunday, August 06, 2006

Annoying Commercials

I've already ventured into reasons for my resentment toward advertising in general, but various TV commercials these days have taken me to the brink. Here are my most hated commercials...

1) Geico : The Gay Cavemen
You know this one, "Our site is so easy, even a caveman can use it...". Har har. Then we see these two disgusting, obviously gay, cavemen complaining about the advert's insensitivity.

I don't want to see leftover couples find their "love" based on "deep compatability". I don't want to hear how happy these chumps are. Yeah, that first kiss, I know. "Wow". Most of the guys look like they smell, and most of the associated women look like they always had way too many pets and library books. Glad it took a web site and a modern day Orville Redenbacher to pair these love birds together. Stop telling me how happy you are.

3) Geico - The Gecko
Sure, based on my past rants, this was clearly going to be up in the list. This unintelligible, mealy mouthed, over anglicized "character" is foreign, hard to understand, not cute, and just pointless.

4) The Athlete's Foot Commercials
I don't want to see or hear about it

5) The Prostate Medications
I don't want to hear about peeing too often, enlarged prostate, prostate this, prostate that. How about shut up.

6) Christian Children's Fund
First of all, Pernell Roberts is this commercial's spokesman, he used to actually be a relevant actor and fell off the face of the earth years ago to grow a scary beard, smell bad, and do these commercials out of bad third world locations. I'm tired of being guilted into helping a child get education and food for the price of a cup of coffee (not true, by the way). How about we take care of our own country, first, Trapper? Take a shower, hand out condoms and shut up.

7) Sports Illustrated - Champs of the Month
Sports Illustrated has always been true grease balls with peddling crap to gain subscriptions. These days, they take the champ of the moment and create "commemorative" souvenirs to honor the team's "achievement" as if it's a rare treasure to be collected. Go back to the football phone or lower your subscription rates, you morons.

8) Laura & Hardy
I use the pun, because far too many ads have a fat, ugly husband with a cute slender wife. Too often, and it's obviously intentionally bent upon catering to those same fat losers who are rotting on their couches, eating cheetos.

9) Kraft Easy Mac
The most sickening commercials, now pulled. They were based in a fictitious college called University of St. Arvin (i.e. "starvin") and had disgusting people doing disgusting things. Makes me think of eating. What idiotic logic, to use the term wildly.

10) McDonalds - i.e. MACK Donald's
Ok, these spots are SO black, it's a joke. Just start running these things in ebonics. I stopped going there once the commercials became 100% rap.

11) How's The Career?
Jon Lovitz... Subway...Eat Fresh. Yeah, collect that check, fatso.
John Lithgow for Campbell's Select. See above.

12) Dell - The Dopey Ordering Guy

Duh I'll take a faster processor, more expensive this and that. All along we see this nice, tricked-out machine get put together in an instant, apparently customized as he speaks. Good luck paying that bill. Nice to see there are still people stupid enough to fall for upsells.

13) Applebee's : The Singing Dopes
There are two dopey people singing bad songs for Applebee's, and the songs aren't even funny or pleasant, especially after seeing the commercial for the 89th time. They need to go back to Caroline's or whatever coffee house from which they were hastily plucked.

14) Mobile ESPN
Nobody wants this phone system. It's sad, just sad. Give it up.

15) Talk To Chuck
God oh god, this series is infuriating. These Charles Schwab spots take a dopey "investor", film them talking, then literally cartoonize the whole frame into some type of creepy, ghostly, inked set of motion pictures that just make me not want to eat.

16) All Other Medicines
With all other pill commercials, 80% of its time is spent with the FDA mandated declarations of side effects, contraindications, reasons to avoid it, etc. They always have that rare, stellar, incisive advice saying "talk to your doctor". Gee thanks, Randolph Mantooth. Not to mention the overused joke about the warning "if your erection lasts more than four hours...". Too easy.

17) Wilford Brimley
Still want him dead. I don't care about his diabetes. I care about the poor horse that he's decided to park his big margarine ass upon. Get off the horse and start walking to the bone yard, you cranky old bastard.

18) Venture Whatever.Com
Let's see, there's,,, and They all made the same four unemployed struggling actors a gig portraying an allegedly successful and wealthy benefactor.

19) Billy (whoever) with His Lame Products
This guy with the beard screams and yells and magically his commercials are always twice the volume of all adjacent programming. He peddles his Oxy stuff, the Orange cleaner, etc. Quiet down, you jag, we get the hint. Try shutting the hell up and shaving.

20) Cutesy Toddler Training Pants
Stop showing kids on the crapper, dropping deuces all over the place and making mommies happy. This is not suitable for television.

21) Lipitor
This commercial shows how genetics may influence high cholestrol in addition to diet, then makes cute comparisons (like fettucine alfredo vs grandpa alfredo). The "relatives" they flash on the screen are all creepy and ugly, so just stop. I would've offed myself long ago had I realized that my ancestry was so hideous. It's time for grandpa Alfredo to take a dirt nap, I'll keep eating cheese.

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