Thursday, November 29, 2007

Spam Review - Part 1

I thought it would be an interesting idea to delve into all currently rejected messages in my "spam" folder and see what interesting works of marketing genius had been thrust upon myself and countless others. Surely there will be more to come. I've done my best to remove web addresses, but didn't bother with the email addresses, as they are faked anyway. Giddyup...

From: mingfeng Podszebka
Date: Nov 27, 2007 1:16 AM
Subject: nubijiti

we cannot keep up with the xmas rush, have you brought
yours yet?

I haven't brought my rush yet, I tried it against the Packers a few weeks ago, and Benson was stopped.

From: Noel Hinkle
Date: Nov 19, 2007 9:53 AM
Subject: stimulate a cosmic shaft Allan

The subject header is a great piece of spam there. I believe that was a very early Pink Floyd instrumental, like from 1968.

From: griffy sheela
Date: Nov 14, 2007 3:42 AM
Subject: [news #84015]

Want the degree but can’t find the time? WHAT A GREAT IDEA! We provide a concept that will allow anyone with sufficient work experience to obtain a fully verifiable University Degree.Bachelors, Masters or even a Doctorate. Think of it, within four to six weeks, you too could be a college graduate. Many people share the same frustration, they are all doing the work of the person that has the degree and the person that has the degree is getting all the money. Don’t you think that it is time you were paid fair compensation for the level of work you are already doing? This is your chance to finally make the right move and receive your due benefits. If you are like most people, you are more than qualified with your experience, but are lacking that prestigious piece of paper known as a diploma that is often the passport to success. CALL US TODAY AND GIVE YOUR WORKEXPERIENCE THE CHANCE TO

Ok, Michael, where did you earn your Ph.D?
Well, that's not important, as the degree is - verifiable.
Yes, that is fine, but where did you attend school to earn this degree?
Um, I need to take a call, here... can I step outside for a minute?

From: Galia Kozina
Date: Nov 10, 2007 11:54 AMSubject: moyencha
Now im not shy in the public toilets
mor-tsop moquegua

Hey, that's dynamite, good for you, Galia. Some people just can't make #1 when people are around. Good for you. And morinace mpetible to you too, dear. It's only slightly less consternating that this message came from an organization called "arnold insulation". Finally! Someone has successfully tied peeing in public to insulation. That's just magic.

From: Teshigahara
Date: Nov 10, 2007 4:56 AM
Subject: [5]:

We offer the software for downloads only. It means that
you do not receive a fancy package and a printed manual that actually aggregate the largest part of the retail price. And one more advantage of OEM Software is that you don't need to wait for delivery. You can download and install you software at once after paying for it.

Gee, which part of inner China is this coming from? I think it's called "counterfeit" in my country.

From: Liban Konekeo
Date: Nov 5, 2007 4:32 AM
Subject: hidakayu

How's tricks? mikeydhh
you know she wants a bigger pen1s so why not give it to

Hey, Tricks are for KIDS. And it's damn delicious, with all its sugary, imitation fruit goodness. And my pen1 is just fine.

From: Rolando shalosky
Date: Nov 5, 2007 5:44 PM
Subject: gleichsp

hello stranger mikeydhh
if you think sex will get
better, your wrong, so you need to enlarge it
Rolando shalosky

Hey, if you think your grammar will get better, you're wrong. And my wrong isn't your wrong, or something like that. And yes, you correctly addressed my alter ego, the "stranger mikeydhh", not the normal one that helps old ladies across the street and rakes leaves.

From: metehan morrone
Date: Nov 4, 2007 5:26 AM
Subject: etteteci

hay you mikeydhh
love your new size and use it
fully when you take MANSTER
metehan morrone

Aw, c'mon, don't hay me! Last time someone did that to me, it was in a barn somewhere in central Illinois. I was buried to my neck in hay and various insects. It's like those old days of "whitewashing" someone with a ton of fresh snow. Glad you love my new size, I believe it's 32 for the waist.

From: Munif kinnaird
Date: Nov 9, 2007 5:34 AM
Subject: metsefhc

Bigger schlong = more enjoyment for partner!

minities mihsakan
miotaxis metamere

Schlong, huh? Spelled that way? Must be the German enhancement. What about
Big butt = more cushion for the pushin'
Big belly = bigger shed for the tool
A (squared) + B (squared) = C (squared)
Say hi to Minities or Miotaxis for me.

From: keri
Date: Oct 29, 2007 5:32 PM
Subject: is it you?

keri here Do not ignore me please, I found your email
somewhere and now decided to write you. Let me know if you do not mind. If you want I can send you some pictures of me. I am a nice pretty girl. Don't reply to this email.

Do not ignore me! But don't reply to this! Nice pretty girl. How about a pretty nice girl? Can't wait for the pictures.

From: zoran Slawsky
Date: Nov 2, 2007 2:53 PM
Subject: noohs

whatz craken mikeydhh
confront your insecurities and do something about that tiny cock
zoran Slawsky

Hey, now don't start breaking bad on my pet bird. Little Larry sits in his cage all day and keeps me company. Sure he's small, but he's a good buddy. And what is "craken" with you? What the hell is "craken"? Are you stupid? Larry uses better language, dipshit.

From: Terry Barber
Date: Oct 29, 2007 1:37 AM
Subject: ja5hd

Yet, even when set face to face in this way, some
persons, because of obscurations from bad karma, and from pride, although the hook of the rays of grace [striketh against them], flee from it. [If one be one of them], then, on the Third Day, the Bhagavan Ratna-Sambhava and his accompanying deities, along with the light-path from the human world, will come to receive one simultaneously.
Repeat thou these [verses] clearly, and remembering their significance as thou repeatest them, go forwards, [O nobly-born]. Thereby, whatever visions of awe or terror appear, recognition is
certain; and forget not this vital secret art lying therein.
According to one's good or bad karma, the vital-force floweth down into either the right or left nerve and goeth out through any of the apertures [of the body]. Then cometh a lucid condition of the mind.

This is the most bizarre one of them all, thus far. It turns out to be spam for more counterfeit software. Talk about having no morals!

From: Leticia Raymond
Date: Oct 29, 2007 9:42 PM
Subject: Timepieces by Zenith

Brand new 2007 Replica models Express Worldwide shipping
Available. Unbeatable Quality at Unbelievable Prices. 25% discounts & more!

Ooooh counterfeit Zenith watches? What else do you have to offer? Imitation Tandy computers? Fake Goldstar VCRs? Fake Broksonic stereos? Keep in touch. Would love to use that 25% discount to knock the price down to 8 dollars, and keep some money laundering organization in Moscow afloat.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Television Is Still Stupid!

I'd been waiting for enough stupid commercials and irritating aspects of television to pile up. Certainly it doesn't take a long time.

I thought this tactic went out of style with the pet rock, but apparently not. Certain commercials invariably bellow through the television's speakers with ear-splitting volume, easily twice the amplitude of any other "programming" on the prostitution channel from which the loud advertiser is buying time. Obviously, companies are paying extra for their spots to be broadcast with additional volume, because of course we'll all instantly purchase the brilliant product because of loudness.

Volume, Part II
Don't fall asleep with either ESPN or Nick-At-Nite tuned in. You'll be rudely awakened by screams, howls, squeals, and the like. Nothing quite matches up to the joy of being jolted out of bed by the yelps of "whoop!" from ESPN's overweight, steak-eating Chris Berman. The big fat idiot should retire while the going's good, and save his hollering for the oxygen he'll need when he's in an ambulance. On the same note, sometimes I watch Nick-At-Nite, which shows old reruns, but shows idiotic cartoons in the morning. Don't fall asleep to this one either, lest you wake up to "woop! gleep! zinkle zoop zoop!" and other completely idiotic, obnoxiously loud sound effects that create nothing but eerily assimilated dreams and worse moments of subsequent consciousness.


For the last damn time, those idiots that peddle their "brain training" or "vision training" programs for the portable Nintendo system: You can't do something IN 10 minutes a day. It's a grammatical impossibility. With 10 minutes, perhaps. People don't know how to write a simple commercial copy.

Service!? Egads!
There's an adorable ditty, its concept clearly ripped off from previous Red Lobster spots, where a few guys play instruments and sing their song. The song's content involves the fact that if this guy had to check for identity theft, he wouldn't be so "pathetic" as to be working as a server in a seafood restaurant. How dare they? What right to they to insult the thousands of hard working waiters, waitresses, and the like, as if the penalty for a stolen identity is - oh no - working in a restaurant! It's a sweeping insult to many hard working people in the service industry. I wrote them the following:

I usually don't write "crazy old man" letters to complain about things,
but I write a fairly popular blog about general observations on things. As such, I had to write about my problem with whoever decided upon the most recent advertising campaign, in which a waiter at a restaurant is bemoaning his misfortune of identity theft, and the penalty of which was to be "forced" to work at a restaurant. Being a server at a restaurant, or working in the service industry in general, should not be deemed as a "penalty" and is a rather crude insult to the thousands of hard working people out there that work tirelessly for their tips and meager salary. If your organization would rather not disenfranchise all that serve us food and drink, endure plenty of irritable customers, and go home with sore legs, it might be best to retract that commercial.

The Announcer
There's a new guy that always back-announces phone numbers and the like for myriad commercials. His voice is like a knife through the head. He's often heard in product ads on ESPN and similar cable channels. Is there really such a monopoly on this area of work? It's the equivalent of that movie announcer guy "In a world..."

The Holiday Sales
Some stores, the day after Thanksgiving, opened at 4am. 4am? Come on, this is a bit extreme. Now we're faced with a savory combination of 300 pound women with screaming babies in their carts, a bevy of surly, poorly rested cashiers that would rather be in an iron maiden than at Kohl's at 4am, and a sprinkling of plastered wanderers that merely have intentions to purchase whiskey, drugs, and prostitutes. Sorry, Gummo, the pharmacy doesn't open until 6; don't lose your forged valium prescription. But there's a mechanical singing Santa in aisle 4 if you want! He doesn't put out.

I love various cable channels and their predilection toward running ads for NutriSystem, various cholesterol conscious products, or weight loss items, only to contiguously run a spot for the quadruple meaty, fatty, sloppy, icky, new pizza for only 10.99. Be healthy. Watch that enlarged prostate. Here's a pizza offer with 21 pounds of pepperoni! Dig in!

That Word
Almost purely out of defiance, more companies have since adopted the word "melty" into their advertising vernacular. It is NOT a word. Just about every fast food chain has now used that infamous word in an advertisement which highlights their latest deathly unhealthy product. For God's sake, I had enough problems with the use of the word "chocolatey" but this is going too far. It almost seems like a Madison avenue incursion upon my predefined senses of proper speech and language usage.

Swallow That?
I love the federally mandated litany of potential side effects that have to follow the pitch for a new anti-depressant/prostate drug. You may lose your hair, your kids, your hands, and your life. Oh thanks, sign me up. Maybe we'll just stick with self loathing, excessive slumber and bathroom trips.

No It's Not Monday
ESPN runs these tiresome spots for their upcoming Monday Night Football game of the week, or as their genius match-ups have proven, game of the weak. Their ads are capitulated with the catch phrase "Is It Monday Yet?" Who the hell wants to be alive on a Monday? Just for a crappy, uninteresting game between two untalented NFL teams? Nobody is looking forward to Monday, ok? It's one game, a boring game, on the worst day of the week. Any idiot that actually looks forward to a Monday night should be strangled by his/her own shoelaces. Is it your suicide yet? Monday Night Football has all the appeal of an 8am appearance in traffic court with a menopausal judge yelling at you for your intention to contest a questionable moving violation.

Of Course There's The Food Network
Would I let you fine readers down by skipping past the Food Network? They're still working steadily with these "American Idol" type shows like "The Next Iron Chef" and "The Next Food Network Star". All reality based, with tense moments of elimination and competitive ire. Ooooh the startling drama that developed when contestant #4 was told that her pancakes weren't very fluffy. Ouch! The tears. Again, this stupid channel tries to equate cooking to brutal "survival" ethos. Wow, cue the dramatic violin music when the judges inform the contestant that his soup was too salty. Yow! Razor to the wrist! This commercial-hungry, irritating channel has become so self-important, self-ingratiating, and redundant, it's hardly worth further criticism. Hopefully the money slut executives that claim to "run" things might change direction some day, but I doubt it. There are plenty of fish wives out there that still will subscribe to that pablum.

Of course, Sears is still trying to hang on for dear life by, at this point, spouting this "Grant a Wish" campaign for the holidays. One spot involves their boasting of a Craftsman toolbox that has an MP3 player embedded as well. What the hell is this? Are we marketing to Snoop Dog the blacksmith? Demographics, kids, demographics.

Man vs. Wild
Finally, I am amused at the resurgence of the show "Man vs. Wild", featuring a British idiot named "Bear". It had been previously discovered that, instead of surviving out in the wilderness on his own for a period of time, he was occasionally whisked off to a cozy motel with the crew when things became too itchy, so to speak. Now the show emblazons a wordy disclaimer at the program's outset, attempting to make excuses for times when he would need "support" or something like that. Then the impetuous Brit zips off to some stark region, eats live animals and repeatedly mentions his accomplishments. Yippee for you, um, Bear. We'll leave the light on for you.