Spam Review #9

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Baby Supplies ca46756re@amazingpoposals.net
Date: Thu, May 29, 2008 at 5:29 PM
Subject: FREE Year Supply of Diapers Today!

Count me in! I'm getting old enough for the desire of diapers.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Stop looking customerservice@centralglobalmedia.com
Date: Tue, May 27, 2008 at 2:56 PM
Subject: Somebody wants to meet you

Do you have someone special? Find your Dream Boy or
Dream Girl
Collect your free 7 day trial membership pass
here:http://centralglobalmedia.com/42/583342.htm?s7w-mj7o-3k3i-4c4
During that time you will be able to do the
following: - contact members - receive and read e-mails from
members - reply to e-mails from members - create your own personality
profile - use the compatibility matching system and view photos
No Credit Card Required
Are you ready to meet that someone special?
http://centralglobalmedia.com/42/583342.htm?q0l-uj8j-7w4a-4e1
Takes less than 30 seconds to create an
account

How about the dream boy *and* dream girl? Now that would be a festival. Only takes me 30 seconds to create an account? It took me 330 seconds just to read this garbage.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: the reluctant millionaire Jack Shawn The Reclusive
Millionaire ca47953re@enticedabsolution.com
Date: Tue, May 27, 2008 at 12:17 AM
Subject: Discover These Kitchen Table Millionaire
Secrets Exposed: Kitchen Table Wealth Secrets Revealed Millionaire Reveals
Jealous Guarded Money Secrets...

Discover the underground moneymaking secrets... The
shocking TRUTH why most people FAIL to get rich...

There are two easy jokes here. First the obvious verb/object noun construct of the phrase "Jack Shawn". Then there's the whole notion of the "reluctant millionaire". Who the hell is a reluctant millionaire? Short of entitlement, isn't that somewhat a contradiction of terms? I'll just leave the "kitchen table" stuff alone.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: TV on Your PC ca47913re@optimaldeliv.net
Date: Mon, May 26, 2008 at 6:19 AM
Subject: Stop Paying the Cable Guy

Can do! Thanks for the advice, buddy!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: eldredge theron ewong@hhsc.org
Date: Thu, May 22, 2008 at 8:45 AM
Subject: Hihg - qulaity relpicas of the bset colck of
the wrold!! Suggestoin for ewong!!
Kign Relpica
Induleg yoursefl wtih an leegant tmie picee taht is meticuluos in deisgn,xequisite in stlye, nad irch in beatuy! oLoking to byu yoru parnter or loevd oen a ebautiful igft?Or mayeb jsut to reawrd youreslf wiht a igft fro ocne? We hvae voer 5000 Replcia prdoucts in stokc ragning frmo oRlex, aCrtier and rBeitling
wathces, to uGcci and Luois Vuittno aBgs at hevaily dicsounted pricse! All ordesr rae shpiped iva xEpress oCurier
delivrey to ensrue afst adn pormpt edlivery.
Entre UOR SOHP hree

Never, ever, ever, have I seen a more misspelled email. This is the stuff of legends.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Shopping Spree ca46681re@findersvalues.com
Date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 3:27 PM
Subject: Here's your chance- mystery shop
locally!

Isn't "mystery shopping" just glorified shoplifting?

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: abu hussein abuhussein@mail.mn
Date: Sun, May 18, 2008 at 4:21 PM
Subject: YOUR TRUST REQUIRED
To:
DEAR SIR, I WRITE TO SEEK YOUR COOPERATION AS MY
FOREIGN PARTNER AND YOUR ASSISTANCE TO ENABLE ME AN IRAQI WITH NAME ABU JASIM HUSSEIN ABDUL FATAH TO OWN A PROPERTY AND INVEST IN THE STABLE ECONOMY OF YOUR
COUNTRY. L DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU BECAUSE I CONNOT INVEST IN YOUR COUNTRY WITHOUT AN ASSISTANT FROM SOMEONE FROM YOUR COUNTRY. AND I WILL BE GLAD TO HEAR FROM YOU MOST IN RESPECT OF THE TAX ON FOREIGN INVESTORS AND THE ECONOMIC
SITUATION OF YOUR COUNTRY IF IT WILL BE STABLE FOR SUCH INVESTMENT OPPURTUNITY THAT AMOUNTED TO $175 MILLION USD.
I HAVE THE TOTAL INTENTION OF INVESTING INTO AN ESTATE DEVELOPMENT AND OTHER LUCRATIVE INVESTMENT IN YOUR COUNTRY SUCH AS AGRICULTURE AND FISHING. ALTHOUGH I AM ON TRANSIT AND YOU CAN AS WELL REACH ME ON THE NUMBER I WILL GIVE YOU FOR ORAL COMMUNICATION.I AM AFRAID BECAUSE IT WAS AN ESCAPE MISSION THROUGH THE ASSISTANCE OF THE UN AND I AM
SECURED BUT LOST MY ELDER BROTHE WHO IS HATEM KAMIL ABDUL FATAH THE ASSASINATED DEPUTY GOVERNOR OF BAGHDAD AND THE ABOVE SAID FUNDS WAS THE DEPOSIT HE MADE IN A
SAFE FINANCE HOUSE WHICH I WILL DISCLOSE THE DETAILS TO YOU UPON OUR CONCLUSSIVE AGREEMENT AND MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING. THE WEBSITES BELOW IS A PROOF AND VERIFICATION OF THE NEWS ABOUT HIS DEATH:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/GO/PR/FR/-/1/HI/WORLD/MIDDLE_EAST/3970619.STM http://www.uslaboragainstwar.org/ARTICLE.PHP?ID=6979 BEING THAT I AM THE ONLY BROTHER REMAINING, HIS ENEMIES PLANED TO
ASSASINATE ME SO THAT THEY COULD LAY HANDS ON HIS ASSETS BUT I MANAGED TO ESCAPE THROUGH THE UNITED NATION ASSISTANCE AND I AM ON TRANSIT NOW AND COULD BE REACHED ON EMAIL OR PHONE NUMBER. I WILL REQUIRE A GOOD PARTNERSHIP FROM
YOU AS A NATIVE OF THE LAND WITH YOUR GREAT IMPACT IN BUSINESS AND MORE DETAILS WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU ON PROCEED.
IN RESPECT OF YOUR MANAGERIAL ASSISTANCE
YOU SHALL BE SUBJECTED TO THE ENTITLEMENT OF 20% AS REMARK TO YOUR EFFORT BUT PLEASE IT WILL REQUIRE ABSOLUTE SUBMIT AND WHOLE HEARTED ASSISTANCE FROM YOU AS A GREAT INDIGENOUS SUPPORT.
MUCH CO-OPERATION WILL BE REQUIRED FROM YOU.
ANTICIPATING YOUR URGENT RESPONSE. ABU JASIM HUSSEIN ABDUL FATAH


Ok, strike one, the message is in all capital letters. Strike two - the person's name has "hussein" in it. Strike three - it involves assassinations. The rest is just too funny, except for the sad fact that people will buy into this scam and say goodbye to their finances.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: The Newest from 24hr Truck Quotes TheNewestfrom24hrTruckQuotes@mycmmnctnrsfndrgde.com
Date: Thu, May 15, 2008 at 7:09 AM
Subject: Dreaming of a New Truck?

Nah, I've been dreaming of that year's supply of diapers.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Krukowski Esoimeme staphylinid@beachhotels.lk
Date: Tue, May 13, 2008 at 9:53 AM
Subject: hurricanises

Salve,
Real men! Miillions of people acrosss the world have
already tested THIS and ARE making their girlfriendds feel brand new sexual sensattions! YOU are the best in bed, aren't you ? Girls! Devvelop your sexual rellationship and get even MORE ppleasure! Make your boyfriendd a gift!

http://bidp4oyonym3po.blogspot.com
See theo and break it to her gently, or the first his assurancethat
the plants belong to the very that soma which is drunkin sacrifices. Thou art struck and crushed with those fierceshafts and that esse was needed to go with putandam. Thisbow and shooting therefrom his terrible shafts brilliant.his friends thought that he might be to see what this might mean, it all seemed as four parts. And then some men retain(the knowledge as at the present luncheon.
But as soon asthe like this, i drink in your very life.' he kept
hand.intoxicated with the boons they had obtained, hard, i amyoung yet, and have life before me. That oppressor of foes,spoke unto vasudeva, saying, i am the very image of hesterand what if you.

Somehow, this went from giving my boyfriend a gift to shafts, to soma, to luncheons, then to oppressors. This is slightly scarier than the Iraqi message, for odd reasons.

Some Top Ten Lists

Ok, I used to write these a lot, so for lack of anything else to contribute, I figured I'd throw a few together.

Top Ten Sitcom References That Sound Like 1960s Pink Floyd Song Titles

10. Florence, Get The Door!
9. Meathead
8. One of these days, one of these days... (oops already used)
7. Joanie's First Date
6. The X-Rated Reuben Sandwich
5. Squiggy's Ice Cream Truck
4. Corporal Klinger
3. Alice's Secret Recipe
2. The Venus Flytrap
1. Ward Cleaver's Psychedelic Breakfast

Top Ten Things I've Done That Sound Like Frank Zappa Song Titles

10. Pizza With Frank
9. Garage Farting, Part One
8. The Adventures Of The Uncooperative Weed Wacker
7. Lima Bean Orgy
6. Armpits On Fire!
5. New Uses For Ham
4. Dreaming Of Breakfast
3. There's A Guy Stuck In My Window
2. Sex For The Pope
1. Questionable Beef

Top Ten Sexual Sounding Computer Related Phrases

10. Hard Reboot
9. Pop Up
8. She gave me a virus
7. I'm uploading
6. I just Googled her
5. Can you give me a laptop?
4. Fix my mouse
3. I just Cc'd you...
2. Log in - and we'll play
1. Hotmail

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear On The Bus

10. "Damn, where'd the snake go..."
9. "I have an odd bus fetish."
8. "Go ahead kids, run around and talk to everyone else."
7. "Where's the fire extinguisher?"
6. "Ma'am, can you please support our youth group by purchasing this candy..."
5. "Wow, I'm having a really farty day today."
4. "Hey buddy, ever hear about the history of transportation? Got a minute?"
3. "Next stop, the dilapidated public high school in the crappy neighborhood."
2. "Sir, can you scratch this for me?"
1. "Mind if I sit on your lap?"

(The following sounds just like a Letterman list, but actually I just rattled this one off...)

Top Ten Failed Wendy's Products

10. The Kaspar Weinburger
9. Chili Cromartie
8. Fat n' Frosty
7. Hamburglar's Testicle Funwich
6. The Dave Thomas Cremato Soup
5. Flinch Flies
4. Potato & Hearing Aid Stew
3. Vegetarian All Soy Feltburger
2. Monterey Jack's Mystery Cheese Surprise
1. Cup O' Steam


Top Ten Things I Love About Chicago

10. The fresh scent of August flooding
9. Following the progress of decade-long construction projects
8. Surveying the beautiful battleship-gray sky on a summer day
7. Pothole dodging
6. Recreational dips into Lake Michigan's 44 degree water
5. Quick, 3 hour trips to local concert venues
4. Riverboats - on fake rivers!
3. Affordable property, and low taxes!
2. Three words : Sears, sears, sears!
1. Seeing fat people on 98 degree days

Brilliant Musical Moments

It's been a while since I wrote a music thing, but I actually liked doing the previous ones. Here I try to capture the greatest rock music moments, usually a little snippet of a song, that carry the weight of the entire piece, or album, as it may be. Be advised, some of my past posts (such as about rock riffs, etc) have several of the same songs as listed below - that's no accident, of course.

- The Who - "Shakin' All Over"
After the second chorus, they break into a thundering "boom" of a D chord that just destroys the arena during their "Live At Leeds" recording. The subsequent 20 seconds are priceless.

- Led Zeppelin - "Stairway To Heaven"
Before the great big guitar solo, that set of chords that stop the percussion and is basically a "bah bah bing....bah bah bing....bah bah bing bing bing" deal - wow great stuff.

- Lynyrd Skynyrd - "Freebird"
The introductory slide guitar from Gary Rossington is legendary, and we all remember it. While somewhat of a trite reference, that passage sticks with us.

- Led Zeppelin - "Whole Lotta Love"
Forget it, the opening is enough to sell the car. Plant's opening chuckle helps the cause.

- Ozzy Osbourne - "Bark At The Moon"
The opening of the song is priceless. It was always a goodie to blast in the car when angry, upset, or whatever. The monstrous, hard-edged guitar riff to open the track had so much power to it, I loved it back in the day. I distinctly remember the day, back in 1984 (I believe) the video was to premiere, and I made my mother wait for the video to air on MTV before we went to the store. She didn't get it.

- Soundgarden - "Half"
A Ben Shepherd track, very strange and brief. But after the peculiar vocals are delivered, the band tacets into a haunting but beautiful bass passage that, even to this day, sends chills. Worth hunting down, despite it being what some might consider to be a "throwaway" track.

- The Beatles - "Got To Get You Into My Life"
George Harrison hit it big here, after the second chorus, the so-called "intro to the outro". It's a snaking, heavily bended guitar passage that precedes the big finale. I'll also admit, as a guitarist, it's very hard to replicate. Hats off to him for this one.

- Billy Idol - "Eyes Without A Face"
What starts out to be a slow, balladish song, leads to a powerful guitar riff moment, possibly one of the best ever, mined from the dregs by guitarist Steve Stevens. The obsessive riff breaks the "quietness" of the song like a kamikaze fighter flying into a battleship. Kamikaze moments are always priceless.

- Rolling Stones - "She's A Rainbow"
The opening piano passage is so infectious, I'll never get tired of hearing it. For that matter, most of the song is brilliantly effected, and a favorite of mine that never gets much airplay. Especially valuable for its reflection of the brilliance of Brian Jones as well.

- Van Halen - "Unchained"
This was a fantastically effective opening song back in 1983 and 1984. It was such a glorious moment to see the lights turned down, the crowd go wild, and the long anticipated announcer's famous words. "I give you...the mighty Van Halen!" which yielded that powerful, monstrous opening guitar riff. This was Van Halen when they were cool. They were crazy cool back then, and I'm fortunate enough to be one of the few to have seen it in person back in 1984, as a 12 year old punk. Was lucky to be there.

- Rush - "Xanadu"
Again, obsessions with openings of songs. The riff is huge and pure genius. Being well recorded as well, the guitar double-tracks into both speakers (if you're an old timer like me with stereo only) and seems very multidimensional. A long song, not radio friendly, but worth finding just for the opening alone.

- The Beatles - "A Day In The Life"
Very little can compare to the powerful orchestral progression that follows the "Woke up, fell out of bed, dragged a comb across my head...". At the point of the massive orchestra's chord progression from C to E in a "circle of fifths" (music terms), it's priceless.

Checking In/Live Aid Article

I wrote the article below at least 7 months ago, but never got around to posting it. Currently, I'm slightly suffering a bit of literary constipation, as might be evidenced by the decided lack of articles from April, as well as the conclusion of my award-losing "Relationship Injustice" series. For the curious (and bi-curious?), the feedback I got from my wrap-up was mostly positive. A couple people asked me if I'd been itching to undo my closure of that series and add more, but actually I haven't. Unbelievable, but again, constipation. Sometimes I just get tired of being tired. The "RE" series was actually rather cathartic, but tough to write. The whole thing wore me out but I doubt I'd change a word of it, and am kind of proud of it as a finished work. Not to be too "bloggy" (there's a new word for ya), but I'm sure I'll have some type of retrospective thoughts and summaries for my highly feared 100th post. I've already been combing the archives for some "best of" moments to reprint in a type of ceremonial article.

Anyway, here's one from the past that I never reprinted, having to do with watching the old Live Aid concert. Will check in as soon as the laxative kicks in.

***********************

So I Watched The Live Aid Tapes Again...


I've stumbled upon the video tapes of the Live Aid broadcast from lo these many years ago (21+ to be exact). It struck me as to the specialness of the event, the magnitude of having a single event with (reformed) Led Zeppelin, The Who, Black Sabbath, etc. The heroes were certainly the fans - the music lovers that donated their money to a cause that hopefully saved some lives. But the magnitude! 1.5 BILLION people watched this event.

This was a revival of those great "I was there" moments of the late sixties, except this festival had a cause. People who could brandish a ticket stub from this event could boast their support at the time, and their fortitude for standing in one place for over 7 hours. THAT'S why the audiences were my heroes. Performers can play their 17 minute set in any venue, but the people who stood there in that mass of humanity, well they have my respect. Bob Geldof will always be a musical hero in my book for organizing this massive event, and pulling together such memorable reunions. He was a pathetic singer, but he knew how to pull strings. Kudos, Bob, just please don't ever sing again.

The entire Wembley Stadium affair was majestic and respectful; by ending with Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas", the grand finale had a sense of majesty and importance with which it might capitalize the statement of helping a dying continent. Philadelphia's lame "We Are The World" was disorganized, boring, anti-climactic, and disappointing. Thankfully one would hope that many had turned the channel by then. Even at the basic songwriting level, "We Are The World" is a sorry excuse for a counterpart to the majestic, and emotionally fueled performance by Band Aid. Try again, Quincy. Back to Gary you go...

Hindsight always makes for fascinating viewing. MTV VJs remarking how "great" Ozzy Osbourne looks and feels, even though he was at his heaviest and living on blow. Then the ponderings of Led Zeppelin's reunion and its potential future. There are also those that didn't get their proper notice, and have since departed. The singers for Queen and Big Country no longer walk this earth. It sucked to see them largely enveloped by the gravity of everything else at the time.

Neil Young can't play solo guitar, but man, he was so cool out there. He'll drop everything for a cause. Neil, Zeppelin, and U2 were the high points of the day. To hell with Phil Collins and his attention-hungry stunt to fly across the ocean and play at the London AND Philadelphia venues. That merely gave an excuse to put another continent to sleep with "In The Air Tonight". He may be a great drummer, but his songs can be so boring.

I loved watching how obviously wired up and goofy Jeff Porcaro was during Clapton's performance. Porcaro was a drug hungry drummer, formerly of Toto, and some of the backstage interviews included his shaky visage in the background. I've seen less jumping around in a Gnip Gnop game. Same with MTV host Nina Blackwood. In some close ups, you could literally see the drug residue on her. Nice. Good for national TV. Them were da days.