Wednesday, September 27, 2006

A Chicago Redux

It's less than endearing to hear radio commercials that are supposedly "local" commercials, geared to Chicagoans. The stereotypical "Tcheh-kah-goe" accent is the order of business for the Los Angeles based character actors who are hastily hired for these idiotic adverts. Car dealers, national pizza chains, merchandising chains, and similar conglomerates are proned to pitch supposedly localized commercials in the mode which we local city dwellers might perceive to be legitimately locally produced and sincerely of local origin.
Invariably, the same pathetic means of localization rear their ugly heads: they mention "Bears, Bulls, deep dish pizza, no ketchup on a hot dog, the sears tower, the Nort Siders, the Sot Siders, blah blah blah".
Here are some tips for you idiots that think you could manufacture a typical Chicago resident.

We don't all talk like the "Da Bears" blue collar thing. It's stupid and I rarely hear this accent from anyone in my daily local pursuits. There may be a few out there, but it's sadly exaggerated, like the typically sham Italian accent, Irish Cop, Chinese "ah so" crap, and the like. Pitching the accent as such is just insulting and uneducated.

Locals NEVER say "Chi Town" or "Da Windy City". News anchors may say "Chicagoland" or just "Chicago area". Most of us just say "the city". It's that simple. "Chi Town" is embarassing and not of local origin, you idiots.

We don't thrive on deep dish pizza. We eat whatever is convenient and good. Is this all you bozos can produce? Pizza? Hot dogs? No ketchup on the hot dogs, yeah yeah.

Chicago actually has white collar workers. It's primarily those who can still afford to live in the overpriced lofts, townhouses, condominiums, and single family homes in the city limits. Taxes and property values are ridiculous, so most of the people that live in the city are more refined, snobby, and successful than any of you moronic radio advertisers that claim to know the character and nature of our residents. This isn't 1923 any more. Move on, dorks.

Again, nobody says "Chi Town"

Sportscasters and the like, when covering a game, like to have their Goodyear Blimp or Outback "Bloomin' Onion" dirigible focus on the downtown skyline of our fair town. Invariably, they mention how it's such a beautiful city, such a great place, etc etc. Jump in my car, I'll show you more of our beautiful city. I'll take you by Stateway Gardens and watch some crack deals. Then off to 47th and State to be shot. Like prostitution? Let's roll. You wanna rent a nice car? I'll show you some pot holes that will absorb that Mustang like a thirsty drunk Polish guy.

I love when PGA golf tournaments are held in distant towns like Medinah, IL, or Long Grove, many miles away, and the broadcasters chirp up "in beautiful Chicago!" If the skyline isn't visible on the horizon, you ain't in town, Mister Costas.

Yes, Chicago as a whole is tougher than New York. We don't want to go to New York, but we'd take you in a fight. We have some bad dudes. I wanna see our worst neighborhoods in a rumble against New York's worst neighborhoods. Oh, see ya. Iraq couldn't defend a couple of our gangs. Nyah.

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