Friday, September 29, 2006

Time To Watch Sesame Street

So I'm watching channel 11 for no apparent reason, checking out today's incarnation of "Sesame Street" and whatever other shows the geniuses at PBS have offered the unsuspecting youngsters of the world. But this whole current incarnation of "Sesame Street" is scary.

Not surprisingly, Ernie, Big Bird, and Kermit all sound very odd and nothing like the way they once sounded before Jim Henson took his dirt nap. I don't know who they hired to take over the job of voice characterizations for the aforementioned, but let's just say that Mel Blanc he ain't.

Grover just introduced a segment having to do with making tie dye shirts. Hello? They are showing footage from Jamaica, as the shirts are dyed. Hello Hello? Can we just show the little tykes out there how to roll a joint? I'm waiting for the next segment, when Grover takes us to a gas station to buy some Chore Boy and glass tubes for constructing a standard crack pipe. Jeez, and they have some Jamaican burnout demonstrating the tie dye process, and if I had the closed captioning turned on, it would've had "((pot smoke)) ((heavy pot smoke))" surrounding each nugget of dialog.

Ok, add "The Count" to the ever growing list of characters that sound nothing like they once had. The Count now sounds like a permanently horny 20 year old misanthrope from Rotterdam who is way too interested in dams.

Oh I hate this muppet/monster/character named Telly. He consistently comes off as the prototypical retarded guy having his first orgasm. Am I peeing? He's that stupid.

Then there's the infamous Elmo. A third of the entire show is devoted to this moron, via "Elmo's World". His bloated, annoying face is posed around 18 inches from the camera and he makes his typical baby talk for the enchanted dozens out there that actually have the attention span to tolerate this disaster's full 20 minute tragedy. This stuff is so idiotic, it's clearly geared toward those children out there who are under the age of zero.

Big Bird, in his feminine voice, began conversing with the infamous "Bob", a real human. Oy, Bob is still on the show. Gayer than a French Horn. I would've thought the Plague would've knocked off this friggin' pillow biter by now. Oh, wait, he can't be gay; he married deaf Linda, queen of sign language and diversity. At least she never hears him scream as he gets walluped by a rent-a-rod named Otis in the adjoining room.

Oh goodie, now they're rolling out all the wheelchair kids. Happy day. Hopefully Elmo get run over! At least the show finally gave up on parading those Downs Syndrome kids like they did in the 70s. They must've fallen into the garbage cans too frequently.

Oscar the Grouch has a wife or girlfriend. It's just Oscar with a shower cap and curlers. Oscar's chick looks like most of the old hags in the post office. Shall we wonder how he met this lovely gal? Are we supposed to figure out how this grouchy thing might've cast such a spell that she'd follow him back to his garbage can for some naughty time? Is he still grouchy when he's throwing a big load on her furry bosoms? Is Grover filming this at the time? I'd happily offer him a sawbuck for that footage. Nah, maybe a fin.

Why can't Elmo at least speak the fucking language correctly? He talks like an overzealous Chinese woman. "Elmo like dance" "Elmo happy!" Elmo grammatically incorrect.

Oscar's pet worm "Slimy" is still the cutest thing in the world. But now they have Slimy whimpering and making noises. NO! Don't screw with Slimy! It is adorable that Slimy has his own little bed now. Damn he's the cutest. Ok I sounded really queeny for a minute, but I do have my softer side. Just like Sears.

They now have a character named "Doctor Feel", meant to emulate Doctor Phil. Both have styrofoam in their heads. Amazingly, I wanted to beat the hell out of the puppet version as well.

Gordon's still bald, Susan's fatter, Maria's fatter, and Mister Hooper is still being devoured by maggots.

At least they modified their cultural strategy. In the 80s, the only things blacker than this show were MTV and a rib joint at 31st and State Street.

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