Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Show Me Those Commercials!

Hey kids, I figure, for lack of anything better to do, I might as well update you on the latest annoying commercials. Yum!

Cash Call

I love this organization. It's a loan shark that can afford to advertise. Basically, you can call them up, get a loan over the phone, with no collateral. It's clearly a shady operation, and their 99% interest rate on the loan (no I'm not kidding) certainly speaks highly of their fine organization. Not to mention their abortive initial advertising campaign that sunk to the point of hiring the perennially down-and-out Gary Coleman to be their pitch man. Worse yet, Lil' Arnold sank to new prostitutional lows by openly saying that he was in need of money and nobody would loan it to him. That's just pathetic, I wonder if it had anything to do with him being an abysmal has-been with a horrible demeanor and abrasive personality. Nobody even loans him money, let alone hires him. Clearly this outfit did both. I have a distinct feeling that he called this place, got his loan, and unable to pay it off, offered to work it off by appearing in some silly commercials. Those commercials disappeared after a few months. Now they don't even use him, the new ads simply say "we trust you" and immediately back the statement by saying "just make sure you can afford the monthly payments..." Just be sure. Otherwise Vito will be at your door. Or Lil' Arnold. "Whatchutalkinbout, Cash Call?" I just wonder who their next big celebrity will be signed on to endorse their fabulous, legalized loan shark service. Erin Moran, TV's Joanie? Adam Rich, little Nicholas from "Eight Is Enough"? Ralph Malph? Mr. Bentley? Larry from "Three's Company"? Mr. Angelino? Coolidge from "White Shadow"? Jimmy Walker? Die-No-Mite!!!!


Yeah yeah, you know I love whining about this commercial. This is another one of those home-based business "opportunities", in which you invest a typical small start-up fee and bingo - you're making zillions of dollars per week, working from home, with nothing more than a computer and an internet connection. It's an old, tired scheme that had previously been exploited by other web sites. The kicker is that this commercial employs a cartoon fox, purportedly sitting at his computer, saying "you have to be crazy - crazy like a fox!" He's clearly this poorly rendered animated character, some reject from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit". If you look closely, while this clever fox is sitting at his computer, you'll notice there is no mouse on the desk. If this cartoon fox was so clever with his home business, he might have been able to haul his furry, crap-encrusted fox ass over to the store and drop a couple clams on a mouse. Then again, he's so crafty and cunning, I'm sure this lame Atari 2600 fox has other ways to navigate the web without a mouse.

Sports Illustrated

Once again, they're back at it, peddling their ridiculous collector's editions of books and videos from the latest team to have won a championship. Recently, it has been to honor the allegedly dramatic and exciting season of the LSU Tigers. Wait, it wasn't dramatic or exciting - but they won the national championship! Cah-ching! Talk about whores. Worse yet, they run these commercials across the country, like Joe Lunchpail in Boston could give a damn about what LSU "achieved" and might magically be convinced to purchase a subscription to S.I. for the fascinating tales of LSU. Yawn. Watch out for the inevitable commercials about the New York Giants - I'd say in about a week, they'll be cranking these out as well. True syndrome of the "Fair Weather Fan".


These commercials are no longer funny, cool, or creative. Now they have a rather irritating, homely woman bragging about Vonage's features on a split screen, while the evil guy from "The Phone Company" gets gradually knocked off the split screen by her big ass and catty comments. Hey morons, half of all broadband service is provided through that same evil phone company. Ever think of who wired up the infrastructure. Sure, bite the hand that fed you. I'm sure that woman on the commercial would, she looks like she hasn't missed a meal in a while.


In honor of black history month, or something, I've seen commercials about how they are offering to help blacks get jobs. Too funny - what next? Crown Royal? Mad Dog? Hire them for being taste testers? Is a whiskey company really the best candidate for hiring previously "down and out" people? Can't wait to see the turnover rate on this batch of fresh faced recruits.

Always Maxi Pads

This bunch is boasting their wonderful new charitable side by advertising that they are donating pads to poor girls in Africa. Ok, I understand that they make maxi pads, but can't they just pool some money together and buy them some oats? With consistent famine, war, death, disease, and poverty abounding on that continent, is menstrual hygiene the top priority up there? Can't wait until more companies try a lame charity donation scheme as well. Palmolive. Those poor, hungry Africans need more Palmolive. Are the people that make plastic forks going to jump in on this? Forks - those people need forks! These poor people will be inundated by things that they can't eat, use, or pronounce. DVDs, dental floss, cell phones, Pampers, Seagrams, Sports Illustrated subscriptions, whoopie cushions, Marshall Amplifiers, snowmobiles, and Playstation 3 units.


Anonymous said...

You would think that starvation would cause the flow to ebb, if not cease altogether. If not, why not put it to good use as the base of a nutritious broth? I still think they should use Pearl Jam's "Evenflow" in one of their commercials. Kind of reminds me of the "Anticipation" catsup commercial, come to think of it.

Anonymous said...

Don't be dissing Dingleberry the Fox. He will so put a cap in yo ass.

The Vapid Voice said...


Per my comment about Sports Illustrated being poised to release some collector's items for the N.Y. Giants, the commercials have already started.

Anonymous said...

How could you not love LSU when the studliest Cubbie of all time led them to victory at the College Baseball World Series?

The Vapid Voice said...

Studliest of all time? Ryan Theriot? (Don't think I didn't know that answer). But of all time? What about Fergie Jenkins, Mike Krukow, Barry Foote, and "Zonk" - Keith Moreland? All time? Somewhat shallow view there.
That said, I wasn't dissing LSU, per se, but the whorish nature of Sports Illustrated. LSU is a fine institution of somewhat higher learning. For crap's sake, it's Louisiana.