Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Relationship Injustice Part One

Invariably I'm engulfed in drama and emotional turbulence due to a guy treating his girlfriend unfairly, or vice versa. I, on behalf of the nihilistic, disenfranchised, fatalistic therapists of the leftover philosophists, please keep your ashes of any unbalanced relationship to a slow burn, lest you expose their embers to an overloaded, psychologically imbalanced fellow such as myself. Especially for the girls out there - guys are not good people for sifting through a woman's tormented afterbirth of historic emotional malaise. Men are looking at your physical features, fiendishly pondering the method in which they might position their "Bikini Inspector" hat most efficiently for ideal induction of infidelity and physical reward. As an acute minority of males who actually care about girls (as well as some guys and most rakes) and their well-being, it's easy for a cumulative effect of reliance to build upon the perceived stability of my restraint from mysogonistic gestures.

As often stated, it's hideously thankless to be in the infamous "friend zone", as a man, with a girl who's involved in a serious relationship. All that will result is lots of wasted time and cleanup duties - do thyself a favor and clean porta-potties, like the balding guy from the Woodstock movie. Keep away from drama, as it is merely a source of stress and worry which shows no reward. If the male friend of a seriously-involved female has no romantic dreams for the aforementioned lass, so be it; but still run like a chicken might sprint from a 12-foot slinky. Females innately tend to vent their emotions, whereas males prefer to bottle it up, let it burst, and exterminate a race of humans. Neither has a great advantage, though it invariably spills an undue encumbrance upon the male friend, who intends to listen and understand with good intentions, but eventually cannot cope with the frequency of rants.

Though it's been said that money is the root of all evil, love and lust take a close second, if not first place in this race of sweat. While all this ranting might appear cheuvanistic, it's a general observation that men don't seek other people to hear their sorrows regarding the paramour of the day -- women rely on it -- and rarely seek the shelter of other women. If I'm attracted to a particular married girl, why should I have to hear that her "man" has been treating her poorly, and that their love life is on the wane? Why should I, the therapist, have to hear constant rhetoric about unjust actions from people's partners, when the therapist himself wallows in loneliness and abject vaccua? To solve the equation, it's obvious that a man, disenchanted with relationships and self-exiled into a lovely world of circular sustinence, should not have to process the negative aspects and rigors of someone else's travails in a relationship.
I'm tired of being the "sweet guy" to discuss problems with, as it simply yields acrimonious evenings and sleepless nights. Some people actually need to be in a relationship to be qualified to advise someone who's entrenched in dissonance. Sweet people deserve to be with sweet people - and I see those ideal couplings roughly 3% of the time. Stop jumping the gun to quell the sense of loneliness that might swell. Propose inciteful observations about personality compatibility and the like before rushing into a convenient relationship that might merely blossom from mutual voids. Hastily formed relationships carry an untoward burden on those that had been preselected as advisors and therapists, and no self-respecting individual should have to endure the symptoms of a "friend's" rushed judgement.

I, like a preponderance of the "sweet" guys, have been so emotionally damaged from "winner take all" relationships, that any zeal for further emotional attachment has vaporized and unlikely to take shape in the future. Most will accuse our stance as nihilistic, lazy, or artificially rebellious, but the unitiated should realize that those who are equipped with sufficient ego and self-deceit to resume dating after a disasterous relationship are exactly the ones who shouldn't be dating (the vast majority). The greatest guys are far too scarred, battle sore, or mentally disembowled to risk another preconceived fiasco with a girl who, despite logic, sees merit in a good person such as the therapist types like us. With no intended disrespect toward the fairer sex or their predelictions, please : Women of the world, if a sweet guy cares for you, listens to you, and isn't gay - can you consider that friend a potential soulmate and break up with the mindless, selfish, stereotypical egocentric man with whom you've assimilated convenience? It's so ridiculous that women should lay claim to male "fwiends" and burden them with their daily complaints, while the offending boyfriend prances about with impunity. If a man cares about you and breaks the mold of the childish, impetuous boy, he's a catch, ok? Stop letting habit and predefined roles reign romantic zeal. Find some gumption and follow the tip of the soul's compass, not the preprinted lettering. To be continued next time...

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