Sunday, February 13, 2005

My Two Personalities

On great occasion (hyperbole excepted) the night version of myself, Mikey, might "relax" a bit and speak his mind, with little regard toward sensitivity, appropriateness, or regard for the intrinsic value of the spoken word. Thus we conclude that there are two Mikes - the day Mike and night Mike. Day Mike is personable, highly suited to business meetings, and otherwise socially adept at pleasing the masses in an executive arena. Night Mike holds court in venues which succumbs to his tawdry insults, jokes, and comments. Night Mike rules a playground that has no rules. Verbally, this is a gruesome field of wandering marching band members from Stanford. Point being, Day Mike censors everything and portrays a pleasing facade, while Night Mike spouts all that had been curtailed from days prior. Let's explore the contrasts:


Woman says "I feel so unattractive today."

Day Mike:
"But you have a charming personality"


Night Mike:
1) Not that you're ugly, but my last steamin' dump just asked you out
2) You look like how a slaughterhouse smells
3) There aren't many people that are uglier than Redd Foxx



Someone says "I'm fat, I need to lose weight."

Day Mike :
"Have diligence, and you'll be happy with your self-image."

Night Mike:
1) Your ass looks like the back of a Denny's
2) I can't even look at your monstrous chins without praising Ethiopia
3) You nab a boyfriend/girlfriend right after I figure out how to create nuclear energy with Avery Schreiber's decomposing moustache dandruff.
4) Stop naming all your pets "Twinkie". They never outlast the FryDaddy anyway, you horrific parade float.
5) Blaming it on the thyroid? Yeah, ok, then I blame my hairy chest on Gorman Thomas.
6) (Female scenario) Why do you bother with makeup. Just stop. You still resemble an animal.


"My grandma died today."


Day Mike :
"Damn, sorry to hear that."

Night Mike:
1) What, she finally saw herself in the mirror?
2) Is she still warm?
3) How many stairs did the old clown fall down this time?
4) Whoo hoo! Box her up and send her to the bone yard!
5) Cuh - ching!



"We'd like to announce that we're getting married!"

Day Mike:
"Well golly... congratulations."

Night Mike:
1) Knocked 'er up already, eh?
2) Oh, good call. Now go buy some Enron stock.
3) Hmm, she didn't mention anything last night.
4) I now pronounce you "Attention-starved pastry glutton and spineless buffoon"
5) Please don't have any offspring; you're way too ugly and stupid.
6) That's ok, she can still keep us guys happy as a married woman.
7) Well, being your sister, she won't have to change her last name.


"I stayed home this weekend and watched DVDs."


Day Mike:
"Oh yeah, what did you see?"

Night Mike:
1) I know. Your significant other was out getting laid.
2) Jeezus, why don't you just order your Rascal now, you lazy pathetic pile of couch cake?
3) Don't forget, those DVDs are illegal in this country.
4) Did you remember to put them into the DVD player this time? Bonehead?


"My son wants to work in the computer industry. Any advice?"


Day Mike:
"Tell him to work hard, stick with it, and challenge himself."

Night Mike:
1) Microsoft isn't hiring any janitors.
2) He must not like girls very much.
3) Tell him to just buy a rope and hang himself now.
4) Programming a VCR does not count as programming experience.
5) Teach him how to numb his hand so it feels like a "stranger" is doing it.

4 comments:

njsw1mqht92kxwq said...
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Today's Thought said...
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kat said...

Nite Kat

Yo! Jeff Wake up!!! and the world thinks they have to hear me! Guess they have not heard the NITE MIKE!!
Okay straight forward- totally tired, loaded, too much alcohol, just a bad day Mike.... WOW so what happens to the Coyote Ugly in the morning while you are still fighting with Mike (Day or Nite)? Luv Ya!!! Pain the Rump, Knee, just me Kat????

kat said...

Anytime Kat

Yo! Jeff Wake up!!! and the world thinks they have to hear me! Guess they have not heard the NITE MIKE!!
Okay straight forward- totally tired, loaded, too much alcohol, just a bad day Mike.... WOW so what happens to the Coyote Ugly in the morning while you are still fighting with Mike (Day or Nite)? Ya know you too could be coyote ugly? Triple bag that go please! : ) Luv Ya!!! Pain in the Rump, Knee, just me Kat????