Saturday, December 02, 2006

Random Stuff and more Food Network

Hey kids. It seems like whenever I get lazy and don't post a new article, I find out I have quite a hearty readership level. Conversely, when I stay fairly periodical (gee, like a periodical - I ha ha I'm crazy) all is quiet on the western front. As I have been relatively reliable with my essays, I haven't heard much feedback. Then again - my next to last article stirred some things in various venues. I got in a fierce debate with mom about the "dangers" (ooooooh) of the Ouija board, and I voiced my thoughts in a prior article. Man, did I get haunted like crazy. Hey, my gears might be slipping in the proverbial clock tower, but I know when ghosts are hanging around, and it was crazy. I had been haunted before (see an article from like 2004, too lazy to link to it) and there were shadows, light fixtures breaking, windows closing on their own, etc. Crazy stuff, so apparently the dearly departed somehow must have internet access, since all kinds of goofy crap happened to me once I published that article about the Ouija board. If you ever wonder if something spooky is lingering around, grab a compass. Spirits are known to exist in confined forms of energy, and they emit their own EMF (electromagnetic field). As such, a compass will act weird when around energy sources (like electrical appliances or scary scary ghosts - boo!).

You know what grinds my gears (to quote Peter Griffin)? In the past, when you'd pre pay for gas and get, for example, 12 bucks worth, the pump would quickly operate until around 11.90, then slow down. Nowadays, it slows down at around 11.60, 11.70, or even 11.50 in some places. Is this some sad scheme to juice patrons out of a few cents by assuming they'd grow impatient and cut things off right there? Sounds like it.

While on the subject of gas stations and gear grinding...
I'm seeing these signs in front of stations that show the gas prices, and often they'll be 20 or 30 cents cheaper than a nearby competitor - so it might seem. Upon closer inspection, below the tantalizing price, one will see the words "with car wash purchase". Jeez, so how many people are getting fooled by these seemingly rock bottom prices without noticing the prototypical fine print? What next?

MILK $1.79/Gallon upon successfully shaving the owner's back

I think this is the first time in ages that the merchandisers and media didn't move forward the onset of the "Holiday Season". There's still hope. It's like a global warming thing though, you have one good year and the next few will be worse. Soon we'll be wishing each other happy holidays as we light our sparklers.

I can't believe that Fox actually pulled off creating the "Reality Channel". Whoopee. I remember the first version of this, when it was called a window.

Onto the main event. Many love how I nitpick about the Food Network. Thanks for the accolades! Here's more:

Well of course they had to run cooking shows having only to do with god damned turkey - for the whole friggin' month of November. Now every cooking show is a hastily hacked together tribute to families and the "holidays". Every single day. All of December. Kill me.
I don't need Alton Brown to ruin my day with his 142 steps involved with baking a ham. And if you get one step wrong, the ham will irradiate your chest and turn you into a can of Shasta.

I've already seen all of Emeril's cooking shows for the first of 8 times. Yeah yeah yeah tis the season, Chelsea Market, look how cute, Doc Gibbs has a santa hat, ho ho ho, zzzzzzz. Can't wait for the obligatory 384th time he has the firemen in the studio, which will be after the 323rd time he has all the black kids in the studio. The show's becoming about as predictable as a Nebraska highway. Yes I know you really do cook on the show, and just don't flip turkeys around, whatever that means. Yes we are with you. Yay garlic. Yay brandy. Yay hot sauce. Hey look, it's special guest Aaron Neville and his 11 ounce birth mark. The birth mark appears happier to be there than him. Thanks for showing a smile or two. Wouldn't explain your never-was status as a singer, would it? I loved that song you once sang, damn, which elevator was I riding when I heard it?

Thankfully the network hasn't exceeded their normal 50/50 commercial/program ratio. Very sweet. 'Tis the season for being generous.

Wow a lot of people don't like Rachael Ray. I just heard my 3rd comment about her. Hey, I'm not exactly going to write fan mail to her and glorify her Camaro sized caboose, but she is a lot more tolerable than most of the other scrotums on that network. Even after the commencement of her soon-to-be-cancelled network talk show, she was nice enough to stick with the gluttons at the Food Network and join in for some lame "all star" Thanksgiving special, as well as going into Kitchen Stadium for the Iron Chef America showdown with Giada, the cutie with 304 teeth. Regardless, I gotta think she was in it for the free food.

Mark my words. As I sit here, on December 1, 2006 - Food Network will try and steal that dippy Australian guy Curtis Stone from Discovery Channel's "Take Home Chef". It's a cute show, where he finds some chick at random and cooks for her and her mate. Invariably he selects some girl who's filthy rich, with a butt ugly boyfriend/husband. Plus Curtis always refers to multiple shrimp as "shrimps", which is still a valid plural, but annoying as all hell. And it's called a paper towel, not "absorbent paper". It's a cart, not a trolley. The girl never knows what you mean when you ask them to "suss out where your husband is...". Northern hemisphere. Toilet flushes in other direction.

Back to the Food Network. If I see one more hour long program covering a cake contest, I'll kill many people.

Yes, I have every reason to believe that Giada is a ho ho "ho".

No comments: