Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Revenge Of Commercials

Time to revisit the annoying commercials of late, there are, as usual, too many to mention. Six (6) postings to go until the gala 100th posting celebration!

National Collectors Mint
They strike again (minting pun intended) with some weird, silverish $20 piece that's intended to commemorate the 7th anniversary of 9/11. 7th? And again, pulling the 9/11 rabbit out of a hat, with that implied 9/11 guilt tactic at hand. If we don't purchase this important "piece of history" then uh oh, we're so careless and evil, we should be shunned from society. In addition, the Statute of Scumitations now must apply, since it's been enough years that this sleazeball operation won't even bother donating even a modicum of its sales toward the various (very active) funds for the familes affected by the original tragedy. Kindly roast in hell, National Collectors Mint.

Secret Commercial
A painfully, painfully annoying chick runs around town, finding pointless excuses to raise her arms and flash her stupid pits. She hails a cab, the cab pulls over, and tells the poor, hard working driver that she didn't need a cab. She goes on to give a "high five" to someone and salute an aged doorman. Finally, she holds her arms up in a "surrender" position while standing in front of a police car, again to show off her arm pits. They should have arrested this bimbo on the spot.

I was intending to work an anti-Vonage rant into every article until I hit the magic 100th posting. Well, I suppose I somewhat dropped the ball on that. I did manage to figure out that the woman in the commercials is Liz Beckham, she even has a little self-promotional web presence. Apparently she used to appear on Chappelle's Show. I'd say that her appearances on these commercials is a bit of a career downfall, but then again, she's neither had, nor likely will have, such disturbingly extreme exposure.

Ass-Wiping Bears

A toilet paper company keeps peddling its wares by utiilizing a motherless family of fat, dumpy, lumbering cartoon bears. Invariably, the wisened father figure shows the stinky, unwiped, junior bear what should be used on his tender bottom. Since when did bears start buying and using toilet paper? They're out in the wild, they've got leaves, or rabbits, or whatever. Since when does toilet paper indicate the further development of an entire cartoon species? We don't need to horrify children any further. What about Pernell Roberts' stinky kids out in Africa? They don't even have pants. The cartoon bears don't either, but they have plenty of ass paper.

Another one of the latest and greatest. We eager consumers are told to scoop up our presumably discarded gold jewelry - you know, unimportant heirlooms and wedding jewelry - and dump them into a tacky mailer. Who's stupid enough to put all their gold into an envelope and mail it away? That's worse than sending cash in the mail. I wonder what this company's stock response would be..."Gee, you sent us gold? Boy oh boy, we never received it, sorry Zeke - you know how unreliable the postal service can be." At this point the sounds of office laughter are curtailed by a "shush" gesture from the office bitty.

The Planter's Scary Woman
Getting a little tired here! Certainly not to the dreaded Vonage level, but the commercial involves an ugly, uni-browed woman, prancing in the streets with guys fawning over her. Why? She rubbed a Planter's nut on her body. It just ends unpleasantly (as if it started pleasantly) with a snippet of her rubbing the nut between her "rack". Something about seeing this ugly woman in my mind's eye inherently precludes any appetite I might have had for their highly processed cashews. Have fun, peddle thy wares with ugliness.

I have no idea where they found this crackhead, but apparently there's been a trend for mining frightening-looking monsters for commercials, such as the annoying bozo with the huge afro haircut in the Alltel spots. Anyway, this burnout drives his car through the Midas station's front door, and calmly states (with all the demeanor of a 'lude addict) "I think I need new brakes". The attendants, much too old to be stuck at a Midas franchise, calmly mention the company's new brake checkup plan, and don't think anything of the $30,000 of structural damage imparted by the the wacky prescription forger. The whole scenario makes no sense, and merely invites idiots from the chaotic real world to start wantonly driving their cars into auto repair shops with a lame excuse that their brakes were worn.

Crest Whitening Strips
FINALLY! Some advertising agency out there actually wrote some semantically correct copy. They mentioned that the dental strips or whatever will help brighten the teeth with 5 minutes a day. Not "in", but "with". I ranted about this before. Tons of Vapid Voice props are due to the brilliant copy writer that finally did things properly. Make yourself known! I command thee! That said, purchase this product! Shameless endorsement. Hey, it is a good counter to my constant protests against stupid Vonage.

The Stupid Fox (Again)
I've mentioned this one before, but yes, the stupid cartoon fox still leaves his money hungry stench in the corners of that which is late night television commercials. Once again, the fox is convincing us to start a home based business, and listen to the testimonials of doughy middle American PCH rejects who supposedly struck it rich by listening to a poorly animated cartoon character.

Creepy Foot Care
There are a couple disturbing foot care commercial that are shown all too often. One involves the "Ped Egg", which scrapes away dead tissue. Fine, don't show me before/after clips, I'm eating here. Then there's a Tinactin commercial with some ugly cartoon guy burning up from Athlete's Foot, hammered home by the consistently over-the-top voice of John Madden. Finally there is the always untrustable Japanese foot pad commercial, which claims to detoxify one's body in a mere fortnight. No thank you, again - I'm eating.

Boris The Whore

Now Boris Becker is showing up sporadically for commercials during tennis tournaments. Why? To promote tennis equipment? Nope, it's to promote the fact that he's back. Not in tennis, though. Poker. He's hawking a poker web site and latching onto what's left of his notoriety, and clearly just trying to dig out from all of his past tax evasion attempts.


No comments: