Sunday, September 30, 2007

Stupid Stupid Commercials

The Nintendo Brain Training thing. I don't get this whole George Takai cartoon character creep for those creepy commercials when he goes "quick, what's the (blah blah blah)". Then the creepy Takai character comes on and says "If you didn't know the answer, then you might need some brain training." Well, whoever drew that arrogant computerized Japanese character might need some art training. I've seen more realistic looking faces in the arcade game "Frenzy".

I don't need to hear that obnoxious DiTech commercial anymore. The ass-kissing phrase "people are smart" is repeated over and over. People aren't smart, you pinheads, otherwise people wouldn't be dumb customers of yours.

It's richly ironic that the only commercials Phillip Morris and related cigarette companies can air these days are commercials offering help to stop using their product. Ah, the government. Can't wait until they force McDonald's to start campaigns saying "Please stop eating Big Macs".

Lest we forget the obnoxiously loud Billy Whats-his-name for Orange Cleaner this, and Oxy-Cleanse that. It's bad enough that Directv can't purchase a 30 dollar limiter and equalize all the channels' volumes, but as I'm straining to discern what was said by nimrod Skip Bayless on ESPN2, bang! Those commercials spout out at you with easily 5 times the volume. Duh, ya think it wuz intentional? You know, I wouldn't have ordered this product normally, but since its commercial was incredibly loud, I'm sold!

ESPN keeps plugging their coverage of Monday Night Football with elaborately staged advertisements and cleverly posed scripts. Regardless of the creativity, it still is capitulated with the idiotic slogan "Is it Monday yet?". Oh yeah, thanks for drilling the abysmal notion of a Monday into all the workers out there who treasure the weekend. No, by all means, Mondays are suddenly great now! I love the idea of watching a football game at 8pm, featuring two overhyped teams that nobody cares for. Whoopee! Is it tax deadline day yet?

Fortunately, the virgin doofus owner of EHarmony has taken his tattered visage out of his commercials, be they far too frequent. Now it's just that wacky background music and a few chunky, codependent couples talking about love and what it's like to be a dork.

Hats off to Geico, my most hated company for their past ad campaigns. Now they are doing some funny commercials with the likes of the Flintstones, etc. Well done. You're all partially off the hook.

Those retarded pivoting handles that are being sold for use during push-ups, please! This crap is usually peddled on ESPN and similar "macho" networks. Worst of all, they say that one can firm up "in as little as 10 minutes a day...". No!!! You stupid idiots. It's with 10 minutes a day, not "in". People are stupid. Oh wait, people are smart.

What's with these Visa commercials promoting how quick one can pay with their Visa card? As if that magic "wave over the device" method worked at every merchant. Originally they had a song plodding away, while everyone dutifully paid with their Visa card, then the music was disrupted by a crusty check writing shopper. Now, a series of commercials are hauling off on some shopper paying cash. Cash! Um, idiots - cash needs no authorization process, electronic transmissions, etc. It's CASH. The fastest way - yes, faster than your stupid card. Throw the check writers under the bus, but leave the cash people alone. Leave it to assholes at Visa to think they could revolutionize a 10,000 year old system of currency with a passively safe card and a bunch of childish commercials, meant to heap guilt on those that actually believe in carrying paper currency. You arrogant jerks. Oh yes, the history of currency in the world...Mesopotamia, origins of barter, trade, tokens, etc - then ope - Visa! Yeah, makes sense. Let's all do what Visa says. I'm glad they've taught me that I shouldn't carry cash any more, but just carry this fancy Visa Insta-Identity-Theft cash card. Will help me lots when I'm at a toll booth, or at a payphone, or at a mom & pop store in northern Mississippi at 2am. How about vending machines in the middle of nowhere? Those machines that are at a rest stop, and have a package of aspirin you need? Ooops! Machine's not hooked up to "the Visa World". Darn. Us luddites and our cash. You suck.



Fagedaboutit said...

The ever handy mute button is your friend.
Can I interest you in some Bradford Exchange certified authentic used Presidential Condoms?
It was a weak moment during Bill Clinton night during a TBS infomercial. I forgot the mute button and the subliminal ad got me.

The Vapid Voice said...

Too true. Love that reply.