Thursday, January 18, 2007

Generic Rant Time!

It's about time, and I know people miss these angry assaults, since I guess I'm funniest when I'm pissy and bitter. Yum...but for the record - Jen T, Sue, Bobby, Wendi, Ken, Bruk, Alvin, et al : I appreciate the constant support!

- I'll take the heat for this one, but it was Muhammad Ali's birthday. Stop the world! We need a holiday to recognize him for all he did for the community! Ahem. Oh somebody just try me. When did this parenthetical pugilistic arrogant boxer become MLK part 2? Oh, he protested Viet Nam and the draft. Cool, kudos for that. On behalf of whom? The blacks that were drafted because they weren't in college. Many many many other whites, Mexicans, Asians, etc were forced into the same predicament because of the same financial and cultural boundaries. Nobody remembers that. He fought for black rights. Uh huh. He hated the "western" (nee White) world and changed his name like Malcom X, Farrakhan, etc. He didn't want a "slave name" and had the right to change it. He was the embodiment of a black man in a racist era winning his battles, in and out of the sport. For those reasons, I applaud him. Not that Bill Russell, Wilt Chamberlain, Jackie Robinson, or Joe Louis ever did anything similar. He was a horrendous sportsman, bitter and full of resentment, never able to acknowledge another competitors' effort or achievements. I mean, he truly hated Joe Frazier. Would leave him drowning. That much hate. Why? For boxing? And we should think of him as a great man? When Shakes himself could still talk he was invited to speak at a reception (presumably of deaf people) and he cracked a bunch of ethnic jokes. All was forgiven, it's Ali! Ha ha ha! Trust me kids, he is not all that

- I've done the research. He hates a lot of people, resents a lot of others, and when he could speak, spoke to promote himself. He was a selfish jerk who wouldn't shut up about himself, and thank you God above for answering our prayers. Hey MotorMouth, anything else to say? Good. Guess I get the last word - you aren't the greatest, Cassius.

- I knew I'd hear countless accolades about Gerald Ford after his death, since that seems to be when all the nice comments come out. Sadly the most impressive thing I heard was that he had his number retired from University of Michigan's football team in '33. Granted this was when they were still using the "wedge", "T formation", "Statue of Liberty (no Boise St jokes)" and playing without face masks. Anyway, good for him. I'm sure he had a few rousing games in which his team defeated Yale 4-2 or something. Anyway, he did not heal the country after Nixon, or anything profound. He just filled the role. Hell, he pardoned Nixon. Is that indicative of healing the country from a wound incited by a prior president? Just deal with it, he didn't do that much, but he was a nice guy. I'm afraid of Carter's demise...what are the eulogies then? Oh he stopped that Three Mile Island thing from killing us all... Revisionists suck.

- One more commercial about the home based businesses - I go postal. Here's a home based business: killing people in commercials for home based businesses.

- How often do we have to hear the length of a football field used as a means of reference? How many people have been on or near one? This rocket is as long as a football field! I don't hear people saying "They made a loaf of bread as long as the distance to the right field fence at Shea Stadium." or "This fish was as long as the width of Charles Kuralt's motor home." Here are some more referential nominations to use, since "football field" seems appropriate:

The weight of Jorge Orta's pants
The smell of Foster Brooks' glasses
The height of Dick York's wet bar
The width of Kirby Puckett's coffin
The voltage of David Niven's pacemaker
The voltage of Jerry and The Pacemakers' pacemakers
The squeezability of Whitman Mayo, TV's Grady
The viscosity of Ernie Shavers' blood
The intelligence level of Lem Motlow's first Jack Daniels vat
The humidity of Grover Cleveland's basement
The softness of Tom Landry's hat
The hardness of Joe Franklin's panelling
The color of Ovie Dotson's beard

- Taco Bell has been trying to introduce the word "melty" into the English language. No - no melty. Nothing is melty. "Chocolatey" was infuriating enough.

- Still hate Geico and that stupid effeminate caveman. If you gave me the choice between killing him and the gecko, I'd be up for hours deciding. I'd probably opt for the caveman, as they intelligently realized that the gecko isn't cute, funny, or worthwhile of advertising expenditures.

- Martin Luther King's birthday has passed, a worthy remembrance of course. I still recall his quote about interracial marriage - "I want the white man to be my brother, not my brother in law." It's true...

- Hugh Hefner wants to have another kid - again. He's like 150 years old. It's disgusting enough to think of him with these twentysomething blonds, but again? Stop. Die or something. I don't find him particularly amusing, wonderful, or worth the time.

- Being January, we're in the worst month of the year, especially for Chicago. We've been lucky for the most part, with some snowfall and pretty warm temperatures. Now the shit hits the fan, and it'll be miserably cold. My phone froze. Like purely froze.

- Remember ESPN trying to push their own phone and service? Gone. I called that one.

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