Saturday, March 08, 2008

Spam Review #7

These spams just write themselves.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: GuideToKitchenRemodelingOpportunity
Date: Feb 17, 2008 3:39 AM
Subject: Find a kitchen remodeling company fast

Yes sir! Dialing my phone like crazy. I'm calling everyone in the phone book!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: BigWin Update <>
Date: Feb 17, 2008 9:47 PM
Subject: Golf Nuts Club Offer

Some people had tennis elbow, back in my college days, I had a bad case of golf nuts. Talk about some pain. There was no such thing as wearing tight pants back in those days. Lots of warm baths and kilts for yours truly.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Flip Marston <>
Date: Feb 17, 2008 5:44 PM
Subject: Give her a gigantic tool to hold.

I gave her a Skil circular saw, then followed it up with a very nice drill press. Regardless, I've always wanted to hang with a guy named "Flip". I have a running list of people I've always wanted to know; I've wanted to know a few people named Flip, Wes, Groucho, Kukla, Cecil, and Soupy. And now, part of this wild dream of mine has been already fulfilled. This keeps me going back to the bowling alley. I'm crazy.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: MiGenteOfferPromotion <>
Date: Feb 18, 2008 2:04 AM
Subject: Find the Latin singles you've been looking for

Fantastic. I had been searching for a 45 of "La Vida Loca" for ages. I owe ya one! What about that Macarena thing or whatever it's called? Forget it, I'll ask Flip. As for your subject header, a grammatical guideline is that you should never end a sentence with a preposition. That's something that you should look for.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: SinglesNetMessage <>
Date: Mar 7, 2008 1:21 AM
Subject: Search compatible singles by zip code

By zip code? And technically, it's ZIP code. Zone Improvement Plan, wise-thing. No, I'd rather find my dream girl by longitude, elevation above sea level, relative humidity, wind speed, and the amount of Farads contained in one's favorite capacitor. Siddown, WOPR.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: eHarmonyOffer <>
Date: Mar 7, 2008 1:16 AM
Subject: You Could Meet the Love of Your Life Today on

Ok, Orville Redenbacher, I'm pretty much done chastising your lousy site and its obsession with compatability. Clearly your commercials, featuring those clingy blimps and middle-aged perverts aren't pulling in the big bucks for your creepy site. Now eHarmony has resorted to spamming. Knock yourself out, ol' buddy. See ya in the "dot com" bone yard, Bucky.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: University of Phoenix <>
Date: Wed, 5 Mar 2008 19:28:57 UT
Subject: University of ditch the cube

Oh, count me in! I will suffer no longer under the looming power of Rubik and his evil cube. 28 years is long enough. Sign me up!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: University of Phoenix <>
Date: Mar 4, 2008 9:17 PM
Subject: University of next level, here I come

Aw c'mon, I just signed my letter of intent for attending the University of Ditch the Cube. It's like the fox and the grapes (obscure Aesop's fable reference, sorry).

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: OptionsfromSinglesNet
Date: Mar 2, 2008 12:31 AM
Subject: Looking for a date?

Is she cute?

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: BBOS Handbag Bliss
Date: Mar 2, 2008 4:29 AM
Subject: You can rent a designer bag

But is she cute? FOLKS!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Prize America WebDeals>
Date: Mar 4, 2008 2:03 PM
Subject: Sweepstakes Entry Ticket
Play scratch and win for FREE!
Match 3 and win Play now!

Oh yes! Count me in! I'll gamble my family's health on this one! Let's go!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: LowPriceHealthOfferSpecial
Subject: Are you gambling with your family's health?

Oh, come on, you were reading my last response. Jerk.


Georgia said...

Ever thought of stand up? Not standing up, that's tough to do, but the comedy stuff? I got the pics back from Valentine's, do want me to post them on my blog or do you want to see them first? See ya when ya get here.

Anonymous said...

hi honey!

been reading ur stuff and love it all! you should be doing this 4 a living! call me soon, we need 2 hang should have my new number.


The Vapid Voice said...

Hey kids
Will be in touch. Love the feedback. Better than the feedbag...hoh! I'm on fire. No, really, I'm on fire. Oh this hurts...water please! Why am I typing while I'm on fire? Oh man, it's a grease fire too. Sand! Post haste!

Anonymous said...

The fox and the grapes is so not obscure.

The Vapid Voice said...

Oh yeah, Aesop is all over the place on TV these days.