Saturday, June 28, 2008

Disappointing Songs From Artists I Like

Bear in mind, while I might like these artists, these are just some of their most forgettable efforts.

Fame - David Bowie (w/John Lennon)
This one takes a pathetic hack at funkiness with a tattered effort at "groovin" in the worst, most white, way. The lyrics are stupid, the singing, thanks to a cackling John Lennon, sounds like cats fighting over who gets prime litter box territory. The song, in general, comes off like filler - or an afterthought. There's no cohesion to it and the voices are just plain annoying to hear. Painful.

Man On A Mission - Van Halen
The opening riff just tears through the eardrums. The song makes no sense, just bad Sammy Hagar rhetoric with no point to the lyrics, a horrible chorus. They must've "written" this song in like 3 minutes and had thrown it onto the album as an afterthought for filler.

Good Day Sunshine - The Beatles
This song is so sickening, saccharine sweet, and full of happy flowers and sunshine, it's intolerable. Talk about vomit. Just the phrase "I feel good, in a special way..." is too much for me to handle. I hate HATE when McCartney writes this happy-dappy garbage.

Rag Doll - Aerosmith
The video is intolerable; slutty models ultimately hanging off of Tyler, with painfully bad fake live footage. The song itself just doesn't go anywhere, with a chorus that really isn't much of a chorus. It simply was devoid of any depth - and trust me, I can understand the need for some songs to just be "fluff" and fun, but this one seems to drone on and on.

One At A Time - The Who
From the It's Hard release, an album with plenty of thoughtful, insightful writing, this one was the song to keep on the cutting room floor. It comes out of the gate and just hurts the ear with screaming, circus-like horns, a dopey riff and an overall bad attempt at a moment of light-hearedness.

My World - Guns n' Roses
From the Use Your Illusion II release, it's the mystifying, very Axlish closing track that just leaves one scratching his or her head - or in my case, scratching my head and covering my ears (imagine how that would be anatomically possible). A very oppressive sonic bucket of water in the face, employing Axl's bitchy and whiny litany, enveloped in a nasty rap context. Full of distorted bleeps and bloops, it's one of those songs that I'd use on an alarm if I really needed to be jolted out of bed.

Atom Heart Mother (the whole album) - Pink Floyd
Twenty years of trying to like this album, and it's just not going to happen. The volume ranges from typically too quiet to discern anything, to loud screaming choirs and random, unstructured attempts at an opus. I heard things from earlier years and, of course, later years, but this one just defies logic. Too much experimentation and attempts at being an artist, rather than creating listenable pieces.

Chip Away - Jane's Addiction
Lots of hangover-inducing pounding and overloaded screaming. For that matter, it just is the musical equivalent to a bad hangover headache. Listen with caution. I will say, on stage, it does present a cool visual, which involves 3 members of the band, hammering away in unison.

She Goes Down - Motley Crue
This song, from the Dr. Feelgood album, must have been targeted specifically to the crowd aged 12 to 16. Any song that starts with a lame sound effect of a zipper being undone and a devlish female laugh, well, that's one for the recycle bin. Hell, throw it in the landfill instead. A rare hiccup on an otherwise strong release.

Bicycle Race - Queen
Stupid stupid stupid stupid! And not to use this in the classic homophobic context, but the song is sooo gay! Plus Freddie, rest his soul, buried more gay code phrases into this song than he did with guys' heads into his lap. The irritating ringing of the bicycle bells at the end of the song are also a relief, because the painful listen is finished.

Loving You Is A Dirty Job - Ratt
Good band, lots of great 80s rock, and then they dropped this revival effort in the early 90s. It was a weak track, and they were better off just calling it a day after the rather strong Reach For The Sky album. The song has a lame chorus, and everything around it is even less memorable. Kind of left a bad taste in one's mouth, and they really could have just let things be and ended everything on a high note. I know that this was also in tandem with a greatest hits release, but then just release the greatest hits! Stick to the solid stuff. Stupid.

Moby Dick - Led Zeppelin
Yes, of course I had to attack my own, sooner or later. Rule #1 - hell, rule #0 - DON'T RELEASE DRUM SOLOS ON ALBUMS. Especially crappy ones.

Sunday Afternoon In The Park - Van Halen
Van Halen's second appearance, though this one is from the DLR era. From Fair Warning. It was clearly filler, and the band was already angry with each other at its recording's outset. They needed something to throw in here, and it was a lame attempt to showcase Michael Anthony on bass. Oops.

Bright Light Fright - Aerosmith
Well, it takes quite a bit for a band to show up twice on this list, but leave it to them. This song, from Draw The Line, was a lame Joe Perry throwaway song, they were, at this point, just messed up and looking for ways to fill up an album. There's no discernable riff or melody to this, and a painful waste of recording time. Hell, the lyrics from the "chorus" should say it all...

I got the sunlight blues
I can't find my shoes
The only thing on TV
Is the good morning news

Candle In The Wind - Elton John
Ok, this one's just personal, but hell, I'm entitled. This song has historically been a truly cursed track, as over time, any time I've heard it, something would happen that same day. Heard it one morning on the way to high school, two minutes later, I smashed the back of someone's car. Heard it another day on the way home from work, then on the way to basketball later that evening, some idiot plowed into my car. Heard it come on the radio another time, frantically turned it off, but it was too late, and later on that day, I busted my ankle. Same frantic turn-off moment a few months later, but again, the curse was imposed, and I lost my wallet. So you can imagine why I'd rather not hear this song, and made for the post Princess Di death era all the more interesting, with lots of artful dodging.


ellie said...

Yeah, so many times I'd skip right over those "filler" tracks. Not memorable. Van Halen is one of my fave artists, but I was unhappy with those songs, esp. "Sunday" Afternoon in the Park. Good catch? ;-)

The Vapid Voice said...

Yes, good catch, and a stupid oversight of mine. For the uninitiated, I had erroneously mentioned the title "Saturday Afternoon In The Park", and have since fixed the error. It's all Chicago's fault.

The Ghost of Freddie said...

Jaws was never my scene, and I don't like Star Wars. And BTW, my head was in their laps.