Thursday, June 26, 2008

More Mini Lists

Just rattling them off at this point. Don't forget to check the preceding article I posted earlier today! It was a doozie!

Signs You're An Old Coot

-Use of the enraged phrase, "I'll show ya!"
-Saying anything involving the word "nickel"
atening, "I'll give ya a knuckle sandwich!"
-Use of the words "fella", "youngster", or "whipper-snapper"
-Making pointless references to "Post Toasties"
-Recalling when cigarettes were a nickel a pack (see item #2)
-Listening to A.M. Radio - while at home
-Referring to a girl as a "lass"
-Continued use of the ol' record player
-Wasting the postal carrier's time with 20 minute stories
-Driving Oldsmobiles
-Continued maintenance and repair of the avocado green refigerator and dishwasher
-Meeting friends and only talking about which mutual friends have most recently fallen down the stairs
-Candy dishes
-Installation of a hand rail in the bath tub
-Consistent purchase of epsom salts
-Reading the paper on the toilet
-Being abrasive to that apparently "flimsy" male cashier
-Arguing with toll collectors
-Arguing with toll collecting baskets
-When whoopie cushions are replaced with hemorrhoid pillows
-Bathing suits become "swimming trunks"
-Referring to the electric bill as the "light bill"

Signs You're An Annoying Punk

-Wearing a sideways "bee bop" baseball cap
-Obsession with talking "street"
-Prominence with playing the Madden football series
-Wearing shorts that are longer than pants
-Spurious use of the word "hizzle"
-Only watching games that are preceded by the letter "X"
-Constant use of the interjection "Dayyyamn!"
-Always having spray paint cans in the trunk/bike basket
-Calling yourself a "baller" without ever having played basketball in real life
-Careful grooming of an almost goatee

Signs That I Need A New Car

-Car presents me with divorce papers
-Memories of lost hubcaps
-Not needing a key to start it
-Cigarette lighter creates a fountain of sparks
-Exhaust pipe is all "banana'd out"
-Brake pads are sections of moist phone books
-Oil change becomes just the process of adding new oil
-Cassette player rewinds any inserted tape, then devours it
-Tires announce they are officially tired
-Being rebuked by other Mustang owners
-Two words: Floppy spoiler
-Car gradually strips itself down to primer
-Window defroster causes a fire

Get Off The Road If You...

-Still have a "Baby On Board" sign in the back window
-Drive a mini-van

-Have a flag of any type flying outside the vehicle
-Have more than two bumper stickers
-Own those annoying (and locally illegal) purple headlights
-Own those annoying (and locally annoying) hubcaps that spin independently
-Have some poorly restored 80s-mobile with those noisy glass block mufflers
-Ever attended a "glass block muffler" convention (yes I've seen one from across the street)
-Still drive anything from AMC
-Drive that "Dee-troit" way where you slink down to the side while at the wheel
-Make out with your chick at stoplights
-Can't identify a green light in less than 3 seconds
-Go 20 mph over the speed limit, and are behind me
-Go 10 mph under the speed limit, and are in front of me
-Stop in the middle of a busy street for no reason, without signalling that you're about to turn left
-Have a Kicker box and more than 100 watts of stereo power
-Have those ridiculously fat tires

Commercials That Need To Stop

-Vonage. No explanation necessary.
-Anything with Billy Mays hawking the product. Half of them are questionable in quality anyway.
-Geico commercials, particularly with the caveman. Haven't we suffered enough? Not to mention the stupid gecko, the annoying kid at the race track, and the bad cameos from K-List celebrities.
-Sports Illustrated - Champ of the month... Have whined about this enough
-Ocean Spray - Stupid guys that are supposed cranberry farmers, standing in a bog. Just too demeaning.
-Wendy's - Still creeped out from the animated Wendy cartoon character.
-Sonic - Always two idiots talking in a car, presumably at a drive-thru. We don't have Sonics around here, give it up.
-Coors - People being way too excited about vented spouts in the cans and how the label turns blue at the right temperature.
-Prostate commercials - No need to explain.

1 comment:

Jasper said...

Old coot:

Calling the refrigerator the "icebox."

House laden with doilies.