Things I Like To Do

- Yell at people using palindromes for sentences: "Sit on a potato pan, otis!"
- Walk on a nude beach with a ruler (courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield, 1988)
- Create false Myspace aliases and have them argue with each other
- Sue anyone named "Flip"
- Flip anyone named "Sue"
- Prance into Subway locations claiming to be Robert Earl Hughes
- Prance into Subway locations asking if I can get downtown from here
- Convince dumb guys that by shoving an ear of corn into the gas tank, the car will run forever
- Two words: Pancake Contests!
- Train pigeons to poop on fat guys
- Ask for a Whopper at McDonald's
- Ask for a Whopper at Ace Hardware
- Ask for a "Whopper" at a house of ill repute
- Figure out a way to get these blasted X-Ray vision glasses to work
- Sewing machine fights
- Convince stoned people they are smoking the ashes of Shemp Howard
- Send bees in the mail
- Eat the stick that comes with every package of "Fun Dip"
- Scream to Wendy's workers, "I've found the beef!"
- Lock myself into Sam The Butcher's meat locker
- Secretly pipe Black Sabbath instrumentals into ice cream truck speakers
- Search for Noah's ark in all the wrong places
- Create courtroom sketches of Carol Burnett with a beard
- Telex Paul and Ringo, informing them how it's a shame that the stupid ones always survive
- Enter wheelchair people into triathalons
- Wonder, out loud, how I found an operational telex machine
- Detest anyone that is associated with those Vonage commercials
- Ditto for Geico
- Invent new names for "Sloppy Joes"
- Build large pyramids for Bob Crane, using a crane
- Tavern strangulation
- Write poems that use the word "yum" in every stanza
- Throw pennies at cops and accuse them of accepting bribes
- Get high score at Moon Patrol, Galaga, and Dig Dug
- Dig Doug
- Find a way to use a cell phone to eviscerate Billy May, from all those noisy commercials
- Go fishing with a stapler
- Get a job as a baggage handler at a local airport, just to emulate the Samsonite gorilla
- Hit bucket number six
- Attract the ladies by pretending to know Tim Conway
- Bludgeon people to death with a stick of Laffy Taffy
- Create religions based exclusively on carp
- Recreate the first Harvard vs. Yale football game using rats and hamsters
- Organize grass roots campaigns, protesting the high prices of grass roots
- Spend entire weekends adopting the persona of Gene Rayburn
- Egg Range Rovers
- Arrange a wrestling match between the old "Bubble Yum" monster and "Animal" from The Muppets
- Take action on Animal, instruct the "Bubble Yum" monster to take a dive
- Taint Wikipedia with false information
- Ask blind guys if they can break a 20
- Steal steamrollers
- Write wacky lists